I Was Kidnapped...Well?

Hello My Beautiful Creatures, join me this week as I share the revelations I reveled upon, whilst, reveling. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Good morning, my beautiful creatures. It's not even morning time, so I don't know why I say morning. Um, good morning. No, hello, my beautiful creatures. Sorry, I just finished like screaming my mother and grandmother's name because I was like, guys, we should do my podcast. Don't be loud. And honestly, they're not really being that loud. The walls here are just really, really, really thin. Anyway, how are you guys? How are we doing? Honestly, be proud of me. Be proud of me because I have procrastinated on all things that is currently life. The only thing that I can manage is to sleep and feed myself and then get myself to work. Though actually, I have started working out, um, but that isn't I'm not even I'm I'll give myself credit for it because I am actively going to the gym and like for 30 minutes to an hour now starting to exercise, but I do it when I'm at work because we have a gym at my job. If we did not have a gym at my job, I would not be exercising. Um, excuse me. Sorry, your girl's a bit burpy. Anyway, I I've had a rough, you know, couple of weeks, I'm not gonna lie. The motivation's been low, the thoughts haven't been the greatest. It's been more of like, is this all life is? Is this is this despair? What is is this the same thing every single day? How do people not get bored like this? Um, yeah, I was having like a mid-life crisis, even and I'm only 22, which guys, my birthday is next month. Kind of crazy. It's also crazy because it means that we're about to be four months into the year. We're only three months into the year, and I'm like, what the hell? These last couple months have gone by so fast, it's insane. Um, but no, I I genuinely had to take like a step back and just like regroup a bit. Um, and I still feel like I'm not regrouped. I s I feel like I don't even know y'all what I'm feeling like. But your girl has decided to push through it. I'm trying to get back on track with schoolwork because I'm a bit behind. Luckily, we are on spring break, which I didn't know that was a thing for us because I just it did never like occurred to me that in grad school you had a spring break, and then the fact that I work like a professional job, we don't obviously have a spring break. Um, so it's it's not it's there's really nothing different, especially since my my friend was texting me this yesterday because she's the one who told me we were on spring break and I didn't even realize it. And then she texted me later in the night. She's like, I actually realized we're not really on spring break because even though technically speaking our assignments aren't due for another week, we still have to do them. And I was like, I was wondering what you were on. I was in my head, I was thinking we still have a shit ton of assignments to do. They just don't have a specific date this week. I just didn't want to burst your bubble. Um, so your girl's been a bit behind, but my favorite thing to do is get my life on track, and I'm doing that every single day because I'm constantly not being on track with my life. But but let's look at the positives of things, okay? Like I said, A, I'm exercising. B Formula One, I have a frog in my throat. Um, I don't I don't get it. B or number two, which is what I'm currently holding up, Formula One is back, baby. As you for those watching me, you can see on my hat, Ferrari is back. My nails are currently red and yellow because I have to do whatever I can to manifest um a good season for us. I've been wearing red every day. By red I mean my Ferrari jacket because I don't own many red things, which is one of the reasons why I got my nails painted. Because, like, first of all, we had a our car this season is competitive. Uh, that I can say it's genuinely competitive. That first half of that fucking race was amazing. Um, we just are stupid. We have horrible strategies. We have not learned from the 75 fucking years that we've been in Formula One, we have not learned what good strategy are is. Um, which which is really confusing. You would think, you know, we would learn after losing horribly last year and barely getting any win. Well, we got zero wins and barely any podium. Charles was the only one who got any podium, so that you know that's that. But you know, I'm going to be the delusional one and say this is our season. I genuinely do think it is. I I'm hoping that they just think better because we genuinely have such a good car. I'm really sad though because I did lose um the first round of my fantasy league, which I'm so cool. Wait, I feel so cool to say that I have a fantasy league. I've always wanted to be someone who did like a fantasy team, but I don't watch football or soccer, stuff like that. Typical things that people do fantasy for. Um, so last year my best friend and I found out that there is like fantasy leagues for Formula One, and we made our own league. She destroyed me last year, and so this year I'm like, I'm I I'm genuinely thinking like logically, statistically, not just working all based off of my honor. Um, which obviously I still have to have a Ferrari driver and a Ferrari car because of my honor, but like last year I I really was refusing to like do McLaren because I didn't want because I don't support McLaren and just stuff like that. But I'm like, I can't I can't be like that. Um, anyways, I did change up my team this week, and I'm not telling her my team because we were we haven't made our team together the first time, but I'm like, this time I'm not telling her my team, and I chose people who who I genuinely I'm gonna say I think I have a pretty good lineup. Um I don't I haven't even I don't even remember who I have, but I have a pretty good lineup for those of you who are Formula One fans. I need more Formula One friends. Um so hit me up. Let's let's let's talk. Let's talk strategy. No, stop. Okay, before we really get into today's episode, which is very, you know, whatever. Um no, today's episode is very more, you know, checking in things that I've I've processed in my brain and stuff like that. I don't make any sense. But before we get into all of that and my revelations about life, because that's all I tend to do is have revelations that never stick. So I'm constantly re-re-reveling the revelations that I once had, but then forgot about I just have to re-revel revelized them. If that makes sense. I think it makes sense. You know what I mean. I so I got kidnapped, um like legitimate well, not okay, not legitimately kidnapped, but like within like legal standings, legitimately, but it was it was like okay, fine kind of thing. Where basically my sister's fiance's best friend, so my bestie's bestie, um, came down for the weekend. Uh he lived in Chicago, so he came here to visit and stuff like that. And so we um were had planned to go to Austin. I live in Houston. We planned to go to Austin on Saturday, but there was a bit of a storm in Austin. We're like, okay, fine, we won't do that. Um, we're like, but we can maybe spend our day, you know, in Houston, um, and go doing things there and stuff like that. Even though I feel like there's more stuff to do in Austin, but she's in school too. Um, and so my sister was like, Oh, don't bring your car, we're gonna all get like brunch with my family and like with them. We'll all get brunch, and she's like, just write of mom, and then we'll just take you from there, and then I'll just bring it home later late in the day. And cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I am someone who I have a main rule why I always bring my car with me. Well, of course, I need to go places, but because I like to leave when I want to leave. That's a big thing for me. I hate being somewhere and I can't leave, it bugs me. Um, also, I always bring a book with me or my laptop. My laptop when I have work to do, and I've like I said, I've been behind on my school, well, on one class, one class that I don't care about. None of us care about it. We kind of just do it to get it done because our professor is not a good one, he's rude and extremely, extremely unhelpful. I mean, half of we have to do these meetings every Sunday um where we pretty much go over stuff for our class, go over our scripts, pitch stuff to each other, but pure collaboration. The entire meeting is my classmates ranting about how much they dislike our professor because he's so whore. Like, I genuinely will be emailing the head of our program because I'm like, you guys need to get rid of this guy. I mean, we all said that at the beginning when we first met him because he did something so vile. First of all, he was very sexist and disrespectful to us um all, and it was like a whole big problem. I think I've spoken to you guys about it in my yes, in my episode for those who want to know what he did. Um genuinely juicy, I feel like I was in a movie. Um, check out my I Pitch to the Writers and Modern Family episode from the beginning of this year. Um, so it's that guy, and he's not great, and this script is just cra like not enjoying it at all. So I haven't really been caring about being on top of that one. So I'm just not behind on one assignment. But anyway, because whenever I have like things to get done on my laptop, I'd like to bring it with me. But I'm like, well, we're gonna be in Houston all day. I don't want to carry anything. I literally I didn't even bring a bag, I just stuffed my stuff in my jacket and kept things minimal. I was like, plus, I I'm trying to work on being more like when I'm with my family, family, friends and family. Um, I think I'm speaking very fast. Let's slow it down. Sorry, sorry guys, sorry. Um, when I'm with my friends and family, I have been trying to work on being more present and open and communicative and you know, extroverted. Um, because it's very easy for me to pop on my headphones, open a book, or go on my laptop and start doing other things. But I'm like, I don't want to do that. I'm trying to be better. That was a goal for myself this year, is be more present with my friends and family. And I've been doing pretty, pretty good with that. Um, so I didn't bring anything. And then we go to brunch. Brunch was cool, it was a really cool place. Unfortunately, I didn't really like the food that I got. Um, and my sister, I was like, So my sister, can you like can you send it back for me? Because she was like, I wanted to get these like lemon ricotta pancakes, and she was like, No, get the matcha ones, and I'm like, Well, I've never had matcha pancakes before, that'd be cool. Um, she liked them, I did not, and they were huge, they're three stacks of like 20 bucks. And I was like, I'm not, I don't want to pay for it if I'm only gonna eat a single bite and I'm not gonna like it. But I'm not the type of person to send food back. I will literally just suffer through it and I'll just eat it and not like it. My sister's like, You're not doing that, and I'm like, Well, can you send it back for me? She was like, No, you need to be in a you're an adult, be an adult. Um, and I tried to ask my mom to do it, and my sister literally was like, Mom, don't do it. She needs to do it. And so our waiter thankfully was really really cool guy, he was really fun. Um, he was like, I can make you some, I can have me make you some new ones. I'm like, no, no, no, it's okay. I already had like other like side dishes um and french fries and stuff like that. So I was like, I'm fine, I'm honestly pretty full as is, so that's okay. Um, so I well be proud of me for that. But after that, we left and I get in the car with my sister and John and Kevin. And I'm like, okay, so where what are we doing today? Where do we're where in Houston are we going? And she's like, Oh, we're going home. I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean we're going home? Why are we going home? Do we have to go grab something? She's like, no, we're all pretty drunk. Well, not her. She didn't drink the whole night, the whole morning. But my her fiance and her uh and his best friend had had a couple of drinks. He's like, and I'm pretty tired, so we kind of want to chill at home and take a nap and stuff. And I'm like, I was like, well, if you guys take me home, I thought I came here with the impression that we were doing stuff today. Um, and I was like, Plus, I don't have my life. So one thing if I had my laptop and my or my books, I could go to your apartment and chill, fine. I don't mind doing that. But like, we're not doing that. And she's like, no, oh, lost internet connection on my PlayStation. Sorry. Uh she's like, no, no. So she brought me to her apartment, and I'm like, well, fuck, okay. I was talking with my nephew the night before, and he was like, You need to watch the new Superman. So I was like, okay, fine, I'll watch Superman. Um, I we I had sat, we all watched Superman, and I was like, Well, I'm kind of on a man of steel kick, so I was like, let's watch Man of Steel. Um, and I ordered myself some food. I'm like, okay, this is actually pretty nice. I was like, I need to sometimes learn to decompress a bit, maybe get my set my brain away from school and responsibilities, you know, especially since that morning I hadn't gone to jujitsu, and I was like, okay, well, I couldn't go to jujitsu, but I couldn't go to jujitsu because we didn't have class that day because they had a tournament. Um so I was like, well, let us be a chill day, just because while I was like Sunday, I have jiu-jitsu, then I have cycling, I need to show my podcast, get some work done, get some cleaning done, you know. So this can be like a pretty chill day. I was like, okay, cool. Fast forward, um, I'm pretty tired. It's like 7 p.m. I'm like, okay, guys, I'm ready to go home. I was like, Formula one, the race is starting at 10. It's our first race of the season. I am not missing it. I wasn't feeling good. I haven't been feeling good lately. I've been feeling like I think I'm my body is just like overworked. Um, because you know, I get up so early, um, and then I go to work and then I work when I'm working, and then I come home and I do homework, and then it's just like you know, I I don't really give myself proper time to rest because on the weekends I'm like trying to make up for the lack of time that I had during the week. And so I haven't been feeling the greatest, and I was not feeling great that night. Um, and I was like, please, I want to y'all, when I tell y'all, I was like a peasant begging for scraps. The way I was begging to be taken home. I was like, please, please just let me go home. I'm like, please, y'all, please, please. Like I'm being trying to be serious, but like I'm trying to be serious without being like rude because I don't want to make them upset. Like I don't want to create like bad vibes or whatever. Um, especially because I don't want anyone to get upset with me, but at the same time, I'm just like, which is probably peep pleaser in me because I'm like, please just I want to do that, just take me the fuck home. Like, I'm I'm gonna go home. But I'm like, to go, I just I'm literally trying to convince them to give me free will. What the fuck? Um and long story short, I end up getting quite literally picked up and taken out of the house. Um, and I was down about it, but I was trying not to be a party pooper, so I I try, you know, I tried to get in the mood a bit. Um my sister, I think she definitely did feel a bit bad because she knows me, especially because I was big on like I really want to watch the race and I want to watch it at home. Plus, my niece was here and I had promised her because I didn't come the um the two days before when she had wanted me to, I had planned to, but then the plans that me and her mom had made ended up not work they ended up following through it, so I ended up not coming to her house that day. Because I was like, I still couldn't come just like to stop by and see her, but her mom was like, She'll be fine, like you don't need to do that. You're gonna see her when she's over at your house tomorrow anyway. Um, and I was like, Y'all, my kid is waiting for me, she's gonna be so mad. My niece is at an age now where she holds a fucking grudge. Oh my gosh, she's like a teenager in a seven-year-old body. Like, where where did my baby go? She's still there, but it's like you know, like like sometimes I'd be like, Don't get mad at me. Where are you? She's like, she stays with you meeting that three times today. I'm like, because I can't I just I can't I can't let you do whatever you want. Like I have to say no at times. I can't I'm not the aunt that's gonna just say yes to everything. Like, you have to have discipline. Um, so I try not to anger her. Um and so my sister, I think she felt a little bit bad, and ended up she was like, I'll buy all your drinks for the night and whatever food you want. She's like, I just really appreciate you coming, I just really wanted you to come. Which we talked and I was like, that's fine, it's fine. But it also meant that they were all gonna be playing Wing Woman for me, um, which I appreciate. I think I'm someone who's very shy, so you know, honestly, I could probably get all need all the help I can get. Only thing is it's very hard for me, you know. I I'm someone I want to be in a relationship, I want to fall in love, I want to experience all those things, but you know, I'm not going to do the most to get it. Like, I'm not gonna go on dating sites, those creep me out, and I'm not gonna just talk to random people that I have no interest in. If I'm first of all, I'm sorry, and I don't want to sound shallow, but if I have zero physical attraction to you, why am I gonna waste your time? Like I I don't I think I mean obviously looks is not all that's important in a relationship, but it is a big part. You kinda wanna be sexually attracted to a the person that you're involved with. Um, and so I you know it's rarely fine or see people that I'm like, oh my god, you're genuinely you're pretty cute, or I like your vibes. Um and so I so I had a our waiter there. Um I was wearing obviously it's for of the race day, I was wearing my Ferrari jacket, and this girl had came up to me, she was a waiter there, and she was like, Oh my god, I was like, Are you like a Formula One fan or did you just like jacket? And I was like, Oh my god, I'm obsessed, I'm I'm stressed because I'm waiting for the race to start. And she was telling me, she was like, I've been begging for them to like play the race tonight, and I'm hoping that they will. Um she's like, because if not, I'm gonna cause a big you know problem. Um, and she was really cute, she's very, very cute, and she's very cool. Not my type, but she's very cool. Um, and generally, I think if I was alone, I would have like really engaged with her a lot more the way I'm I'm good at engaging with people. I think if I was alone, I would have really engaged with her a lot more, probably got her number, who knows? Um, which I think she's straight, but like I don't so fucking hard to tell, guys. So hard to tell. Um but like my sister and Kevin and John were all there watching me, and I I couldn't, I I could feel their eyes anytime I was talking to her because we she we talked a couple of times that night, especially because I was watching the race, so she would come and like look and just like I would be like, okay, this happened, or like uh suddenly something happened, I would pull her, I'm like, hey, Charles is in P1. I'm like, Oscar crash, this isn't that happened. Um, and that was cool, but like I couldn't like really be myself because I was being evaluated, and it made me so uncomfortable that I just kind of struggled into myself and I didn't, and I was about to get going to get her Instagram, but I am not doing it that um because I was just like I was so uncomfortable because I was like, I felt like I was getting graded at school. Is it you know when you're in school, like in um like high school or like elementary school middle school, I don't know, um, and your like principal comes and sits in your class because they're trying to evaluate your professor, or not professor, but your teacher, and so everybody feels like they have to be on the best behavior because you were already told that they're gonna be there um and they're gonna be watching, like that's how that felt. Where I'm just like hey, hey. Um, so that was was very that was how that went. Um, but yeah, I don't know. I was talking to my nephew about that because he was like, he's such a like romantic and he was like, T, I really want you to find love and fall in love. He's like, please, please come to Atlanta with me. I know so many gay girls who are who are probably your type and you can talk with them. I'm like, wait, which is cool, but I don't want to do a long distance relationship. What do you mean? Um, but he's like, girl, you need to get your game up, which is I think is really, really, really funny. Um, but okay, let's actually get into today's episode. Enough about me and my failing love life. So I told you guys I've been having a little bit of a rough period. Um, I which I said I was taking a break from social media, which a break from the the previous break that I told you guys I was taking. And now it's like a week, I literally am so bad I will delete social media in the morning and then by the afternoon I will have downloaded it again. Um because then I get bored and I'm just like I try not to be on it a lot during the week because I'm like that. I mean I never end. I will sit on it, I will sit on it for like hours when I'm when I need to be doing other things. So during the week I need to like genuinely come up with restrictions for myself, um, which I need to actually do now. And during the weekend I can be more lenient and stuff like that, but I need to be more careful with just like the content that I consume because I found myself, and I think the reason I was there was you know last week especially that I was having the hard a hard time was I was really really comparing my life to the lives of the people that I see, you know, the ones who have podcasts that are like super super successful, who are are super successful actors or screenwriters or directors or um just people doing the things that I want to do in my life, especially, you know, you know, and I can kind of justify it a little bit where it's just like oh, you know, these people didn't get to this peak in their you know in their careers until they were you know in their 30s or their forties. I'm like, I have time because I see people who are quite literally my age or younger than me doing the things that I would hope to be doing, and then it's just like uh what am I doing with my life? I'm like, I'm working in a field that's not my my field, you know. I procrastinate on everything in my life. I I was just genuinely, you know, comparing myself, making myself really feel bad on myself. And then like I don't I'm not an envious person, I'm not a jealous person. I wasn't jealous, I wasn't envious, and nothing like that, but it was just like a why am I not there? Like it wasn't me feeling bad about them towards them or anything, it was just me feeling bad towards myself, and I'm like, I should be there by now. But then I had to like genuinely rationalize it to myself later in the week. I'm like, girl, that makes no sense. My journey is not the same as theirs. They all had very different circumstances, they all started off very, very young in their life. I can't compare it myself to someone who's been doing this since they were five years old. Like, girl, what? Um, and I had to really think about it because it's just like you know, and it's very funny. We are I feel like as humans, we're just never fully satisfied with where we are in our lives and what we're doing in our lives and stuff like that. Like, we always want more, more, more, and more, you know. Um that hurt. I fucking cut my finger open and it's been healing, but I was snapping and it just that was not an idea. Um sorry, but like we constantly just want more. We'll get something that we've been praying for, and then when we get it, we're like, oh, this is great, and then that feeling is fleeting because we're moving on to the next thing, like, oh fuck, but now I want that. Like, I got this car, but fuck that next car is gorgeous. I need that. Fuck the car I've been praying to have for five years. I want this new model, this new version. And I'm not, I mean, hell, even I'm guilty of that sometimes with my bronco. Like, I love my bronco. I've prayed for a bronco for a year. I manifested that shit. Every time I see a bronco, I blow it a kiss. Like, y'all, my level of obsession with broncos is honestly genuinely unhealthy, unhealthy, and kind of stalkerish. Just because I know where like all the broncos in my community are. Like, I know all the houses, I know the colors, I don't know the people, but like I mean, let me not incriminate myself in this. But like just stuff like that. And sometimes I'll like I love my bronco, but I'm like, my broncos are broncosporter. I'm like, but I wanted a bronco, not a broncospor. And I'm like, I wanted a heritage, I don't have a heritage. I'm like, girl, what the fuck? I have one of the cards of my dreams. Just because it isn't the exact one that I wanted doesn't mean it make it any less the car that I like of my dreams. I wanted a bronco. That's all. Like, come on. Um, and it's just like you know, I had to think about where I was last this time last year. I was working at a grocery store making sh fucking pennies with people that I I didn't really care for. Um, genuinely the time I hated it. I was constantly tired, I was overworked, underpaid. It was a horrible experience. Yo, I would never go to a corporate again. So back to the point that any piece of clothing that I wore there, I threw away, which caused a problem with my mom because she's like, see, where are my snow pants? They're not they're not like snow pants, but they're really fluffy pants that I have worn when it was like snowing, and I was like out, they placed me outside for a week um during Valentine's Day, and I ended up getting so horribly sick. I was sick for two weeks, there's a whole thing. Um, but I I threw those away because I forgot they were hers. And she's like, Well, you can't throw my stuff away. And I'm like, I'm sorry, but it's also been a year, and you're just now asking for them. You clearly did not care. And she's like, Well, I didn't need them after winter time. I'm like, that's a valid point, I guess. Um, but at that time, what was I I when I you know I the little thing I was praying for was I'm I I God, can I can I please find a big girl job doesn't even have to be in my field, just something that will allow me to feel more grown up, something that will allow me to get on my feet a bit with good pay, which I currently don't have right now because it's like a whole thing fuckaroo going on with my job, but I got that. I got it, and I got a job that while I may not be getting paid well, everything else about it is great, besides the fact that I did to drive an hour and a half there every day. Um, so I mean everything has its downfalls, everything has its negative effects, but I got what I asked for. Was it the way that I thought? No. But it's just like I need to be grateful, you know, and I am, I am very grateful, even if I complain sometimes. But it's just like it's kind of like I need to kind of like ground myself in my own reality a lot a bit and just like evaluate where I am. Well, A, I have a really great lifestyle, I have a really great family, I have no matter how crazy it may drive me, I I have a car, I have a roof over my head, I can buy pay for my nails, I can buy myself books. Do I have a lot of money? No. Do I have m money that I really need? Absolutely not. Do I have enough to make ends meet? Yes. And that I am grateful for. You know, it's just like I'm you know, I'm going to Disney for like an entire week in July, and I am living another day. I'm about to be 23 years old. You know, I have friends who genuinely care about me. I mean, literally, they just I have friends who just call me just to sit on the phone with me. Like, that's so sweet. Fucking 14-year-old, 15-year-old me, this is actually sad. I would have got a phone call when I was in like high school, I would generally get excited, like, oh maybe it's a friend. I had no friends. And of course I wasn't friends with my fucking mom. Like, what I would literally look at my call log and I would just see my family members. I'm just like, hmm. Whereas like now I I have I'm so I I'm so good at talking to people. I used to pray to be more extroverted and have a good ability to have discussions with people and even if all they're awkward and but be able to get through that, like I pray for all that, and I have all of that now, you know, like and I need to ground myself in that reality. And I think a lot of that way is just for me be trying to be more present in my life. I think it's easy to become dissatisfied with what you have when you just constantly see that people have more. I don't want to say better, but like better things, bigger things, or they're doing things in the media that I want to be doing, or you know, you know, you know, just stuff like that. But it's just also like, girl, are you really working the way you need to be working to get to that point? Not as much as you should be. I'm putting the work, but I'm not working as hard, you know, and a lot of that has to do with timing, time, um, being not on my side and stuff like that, but it's also like you know, you if th those if you want it, you gotta make it, you know. Um it's super giving, of course. Um, so it's just like you know, really grinding myself and just being present and grateful just for every aspect, you know. I I'm trying to take on new hobbies, I do so I really I really want to learn how to play an instrument, and I have two. I have a ukulele and I have a violin. No one wants to hear me play the fucking violin, and I need to practice my ukulele, but I'm like, I also really don't learn how to play the piano, and I found like a really cool keyboard for like$85 on Amazon, and I'm like, I'm not gonna lie. I feel like that's easier than playing the violin. Am I right? Like, and that's I feel like that's easier to teach myself. Excuse me. I don't like you know, I don't know, but just like me taking up a bit more hobbies, well I wanna say a bit more hobbies because I'm really starting, I don't have time to do things and then I'm taking up like filling my calendar more. Um, but just like grinding myself and just doing mundane things that don't have anything to do with my career, because then it uh then I you know I don't want everything that that I do to just be my career because then it's like growing, you know, other things, which I, you know, I have been trying to ground myself more just with my writing and really focusing on that mainly, um, because that's where that's always been my safe space. And since I started school, it's become a bit more stressful because you know now it's for a grade and and it's also being evaluated by so many people, which that's that part is amazing. Like my cohort has such great feedback that like I genuinely I created this big board um for my script and haven't done that in years. But I took all their feedback and it took me a week of constant feedback and constantly like recrafting, re-um organizing and like redoing how I wanted my script to go and reorganizing my scenes and moving stuff around and made me feel really, really cool. Um and that's just been great. But like, you know, finding other things to do that that's outside of that, which A, we're going to ground ourselves more in in my career in in trying to create stuff for myself. Um, but like A, I started jujitsu. I think that's well, first of all, I only had one class in the last two weeks. My sister and I did not go. One because she had a whole thing at work and it was horrible. Um, and then on Sunday when we were gonna go, um me because me and her have been out like because she could not meet out, we were out late. Um, and we both said like she was like, I'll call you in the morning, and if I don't feel good, we're not going. I'm like, okay, good. We both at 7 30 she called me. She's like, if you want to go, I'll go. But I'm telling you, I don't really feel like that. I'm like, girl, I need sleep. Y'all, I have been sleeping until 12 p.m. So 12 or 1 p.m. I used to not be able to sleep at 7 a.m. Like I generally would wake up at 7 and I had to form to go back to sleep. Like, even now, you know, I'd had I'd have it where it's like even if I was asleep for like 10, I would still wake up around like 5, 5.30 ish, because like my body kind of is my body and my cat wakes me up to feed him. Cause I typically feed him at 5 30 when I'm getting ready for work. Um, I yo, he must have been hating me over the weekend because I was sleeping through his advances to wake me up and I was not getting up. Um, which kind of also sucks because I'm like, damn, I really like my mornings and my weekends because like that's when I'm trying to get my day, you know. I didn't leave the house till like three on Sunday and I'm like, shit, I have errand, I had to go grocery shop, I had to get my nails done. I went to my sister's house to watch an episode of Glee because I'm trying to, you know, spend more time. Um, but I started to just do so that I can have a hot well, A, I've always wanted to learn it. I think it's a great skill to have and learn how to protect myself, but also it gives me something to do with my big sister, um, my twin sister. She's a little made older. I feel like I have to clarify that. She's not that much bigger than me. Fuck. She's just I mean, I'm taller, but she's ripped. That's my big finger there. But it gives me an excuse to hang out with her and give us something to do. I s I took up cycling because I enjoy cycling, it's a good form of exercise. I do it once a week. Um, but it gives me something to do with my with my sister-in-law because we get both get so busy. She me just with everything I have going on, and then her with her life, her husband, her kids, her job, her writing, you know, we don't get to see each other as much as we would love. So that so we at least know that once a week, okay, cool, we'll see each other for 45 minutes and we'll hang for a bit. You know. Um, I think I would like to take on playing the the piano. I think that would be fun. Because why the fuck not? And I would think that would be so cool. I fly off Beethoven. I'm sorry, like, but he's so good. Um, but yeah, you know, um, and just you know, when I think about the future, and I I I'm trying I try to be a bit more positive about it because I think it's really easy for me to get down. Even now, before I started my podcast, I'm like, it's never gonna go anywhere. I've been doing this for four years now, and I get a little bit of a following, but like not much. And I'm like, well, I will don't promote it. You know, I don't I kind of just make my episodes and I have fun with that, but I was like, I should just do this as a side thing, just do it for fun. I don't need to be serious about it. And I'm like, let's no, like, why am I I love doing my podcast, so I'm not taking it seriously. Why am I trying to convince myself not to because I'm feeling like I'm gonna go nowhere with it? No, that's stupid. Um, and you know, so when it comes to my future, I'm trying not to overthink it and over-analyze it and over like I need to be here and here and here, and I don't want to overplan it, but at the same time, I do want to have sustainable goals and dreams, things that I'm working towards. Um, and I found I have those for this year, and I still need to make my vision board. I got the boards for it, I just never had time. I need to make time to make it. I think it's easier to go for something where you see it every day on your wall. You know? Um, but yeah, so I'm feeling I'm feeling a lot better. I'm you know, trying to incorporate other things in my life to kind of get me into the mood uh for life, and I need to really work on my discipline. You know, when motivation leaves, you know, discipline is what stays. I gotta work on that. Um I've been in a bit of a book slump, so I actually started to read because I said I wanted to reread like my five-star books. Um, so I started started rereading Beach Read by Emily Henry because I've been in a slump just because I like the books, the two books that I were reading were are good, but I'm like the writing style that I need the beauty of the writing style is Emily Henry, and I don't want to read the new books of first that I have because I only have three more books left in that she's ever written to read, and then I'm done, and then I'm gone. I have nothing else until she releases another book. I'm like, I can't do that to myself. I gotta spread this shit out. Um, so I was like, well, let me reread Beach Read. I wanted to reread it because the first time I did it as an audiobook, and I was just like writing stuff down for it, and I'm like, this is good. Please ignore my mother doing this, it's just so bad. Um, but I was just like, I was like literally writing down quotes, having to stop and go back and I listen to the quote again because I'm like, this is just so good. And I bought that version and I bought the UK version because the UK version has a different ending, and I'm like literally re-analyzing it and I'm rereading it and I'm highlighting and writing in it, which is something I started doing last year, the beginning, the end of last year, instead of writing in my books, and um and I'm not doing all of them. If I have no reason to do it, I won't. But if I think that the writing style is really good, I'm like, oh I have to. This shit is kind of fun. What do you mean? Um, so that's been great. But yeah, so that's where I'm at. That's how I'm feeling. Your girl's doing pretty good. I'm not gonna lie, she's feeling good. Oh has this not been recording? My night was needed. Stop. No, it's recording. What the fuck? Because I hit the button, it was red, but um, I'm looking at my computer and it says it's recording. But we'll figure that out. Thank you guys so much for coming on and listening to my episode. If there is an episode, I don't know if this is a proper episode or if it was being properly recorded if it was recording into my computer and not my microphone. Either way, I hope you enjoyed no matter how this audio sounds. Thank you guys so much for coming on and listening to me, and I will see you. I promise I will see you guys in next week's episode where we will talk about Bridgerton because I was planning to talk about that tonight, but I really want to go make a cake before it gets too late. Because you girls went on a cake making thing. I've I've I've taken a break from sourdough. Me and Debbie have been in a bit of a fight. My sourdough for three last three times I made sourdough have not come out great yet. I've been making it since October, and it's been wonderful, so I do not know what's going on. So figuring that out. But I love you guys. I think you and I will see you all next week.