After years of battling with toxic mindsets like self-doubt and low self-esteem, I embarked on a personal journey of transformation. In this thought-provoking episode, I share my insights and experiences, discussing the impact of these toxic mindsets on my education, personal relationships, and even my choice of career. Join me as I reflect on the power of self-doubt and low self-esteem and how they can cloud our perceptions and fuel fears about the future.
IG: @butlikethatsonmymind
@ashantee0419
TikTok: @butikethatsonmymind
@ashanteeaugustine
X: @blthatsonmymind
After years of battling with toxic mindsets like self-doubt and low self-esteem, I embarked on a personal journey of transformation. In this thought-provoking episode, I share my insights and experiences, discussing the impact of these toxic mindsets on my education, personal relationships, and even my choice of career. Join me as I reflect on the power of self-doubt and low self-esteem and how they can cloud our perceptions and fuel fears about the future.
IG: @butlikethatsonmymind
@ashantee0419
TikTok: @butikethatsonmymind
@ashanteeaugustine
X: @blthatsonmymind
I have this serious problem where I decide that it's like the best idea it's, oh my god to record my podcast 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave, because I'm supposed to, it's I'm gonna be leaving at 11 o'clock and it's 10 50, so that's just on me for great self and time management. Anyway, hello, my beautiful pictures. How are we doing today? Today, I'm feeling quite pretty. I'm pretty. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm pretty good.
Speaker 1:I'm very excited because, as you know, we are currently starting our new series called the rewiring, and I'm very excited about the series because I, you know, I'm someone who's dealt with mental health for a very long time and I have also been on this journey of self-love and in progress for as long as I can remember. And because of that, when you're dealing with both, I thought it was, you know, something that'll be interesting to talk about, especially because when you're dealing with something as serious as mental health, but also trying to better your mental health, you tend to feel like you're alone or like there's no one else who can understand. And I thought this would be a fun time in place to talk about it, just because we're Ending 2023, we're going to be heading into the new year and I thought you know, you know my goal in my podcast is to make you guys aware of things, make you guys understand you're not alone, to bring you know community together, and I thought this would be a kind of a fun thing to talk about. I'm very excited about this episode because we're going to be talking about toxic mindsets. Now, I do a lot that I want to talk about in regards to toxic mindsets and this episode isn't going to be super long One, because I decided that to do this too late, so I'm running out of time, but also Because I decided to split them up into certain sections just because there's a lot in terms of toxic mindsets that I want to talk about and because of that I don't want to run the risk of bunching it all together and then I don't talk enough about each topic. And next thing, you know it's like what the hell is the point? You know, I don't like they're all not the same thing and while they all surround each other's, like the planets, they all work around each other. I don't want them to be considered one thing and stuff like that. So the different I'm going to be talking about within the series of toxic.
Speaker 1:Well, the series of rewiring, but in terms of toxic mindsets, because I am splitting it into parts will be uh, self esteem, self doubt, impostor syndrome, the feeling of trying and failing, maledaptive dreaming and how that leads to dissociation, and so on and so forth. So this week's episode I decided I wanted to talk about self doubt and self esteem because that was for me, and I think has always been, my biggest issue. I've always struggled with self doubt issues and having a low self esteem. Um, for as long as I remember, I was the other day Not the other day, so yesterday when I was like kind of planning out this episode, because I typically don't use a script or anything like that. I used to when I first started two years ago because I wasn't fully comfortable with talking Discipliantly before. So I just like write everything down, like that's how I much I did not trust myself. I would write word for word what I would say and I was like I'll have to stick to this because I don't want to mess up, whereas now I kind of just go off on my own rampage. I usually write a couple of notes for things that I want to talk about, but I always I pretty much trust myself to just talk Whatever I want, but because this is something that's very important to me and something that I feel I want to, you know, speak correctly on, I wrote notes for myself, not a script, but notes for just different things in terms of definitions, feelings because I do want to make sure I'm clear on everything I'm talking about, that I don't leave anything out, and stuff like that I do want to make it aware I'm not like a clinical psychologist, like I'm not a therapist, I am not a mental health guru.
Speaker 1:I'm a 20 year old girl, woman sorry, I mean woman, 20-year-old woman. You know, gotta stop pretending I'm a child. Um, to get out of my son's hair, ladies? What no, I don't, I don't do that. I. What no, anyway, you know, I didn't see. This is what happened.
Speaker 1:I go from tanzas. I freaking remember, forget what I'm saying. I don't even know what I was just talking about. Something about me being 20 years old. Oh no, I don't remember. Anyway, I let's start, because I don't remember what the hell, at what point I was making before, which stuff. That doesn't need the one. Anyway, we're starting on self doubt and self esteem. So I was chasing it back to our Yesterday trying to figure out where my issues with self-esteem started, and I realized that it started primarily when I was in middle school. Um, wait, clear throat. Okay, I um Realized that it kind of started when I was in middle school, in terms of when I I was 11, my sister, my sister, my family and I we all moved here from Philly.
Speaker 1:Um, I live in fort now and so I remember, you know, being in elementary school. I remember, you know, feeling as though I had friends to me. Everybody I knew was my friend and I remember just being always being so happy. I mean, I obviously I had sad moments and and stuff like that I don't really remember too much about when I was a kid, before I was 11, which is weird, but like it is what it is. But I can remember, I understand, like I'm really not having that like feel or like that bad anxiety. Maybe I did, I could have, I don't know, but it wasn't until middle school that I can fully understand.
Speaker 1:I remember my first day of Middle school. Right, we had just moved to Florida, like two months prior to starting. We obviously start, and which sucks, because in Philly we end school at the end of June and in florida's at the beginning of June, because we go back in august where, I think, philly, we go back in september. So my custom freaking cut short. But besides the way, uh, I remember me, my sister. We don't wear uniforms, right, but it was more like the typical, you know, jeans or Pants with the collar shirt, we came in blazers, I had ties, I had a schoolgirl skirt, I had like the clog thingies, high socks, all that.
Speaker 1:It was very obviously embarrassing now that I look back on it, but I remember I would text my mom, um, every time I felt like I made a new friend, which is me going up, I would go up to people and just say hi and introduce myself, like that was, that was me. I was not shy, um, and I remember like, oh, I made like 11 friends today because I went out to a lot of people and said, hi, I'm a shanti, will you be my friend? Like, quite literally, like that, like I was that type of person I was, I was not afraid, I wasn't self concerned and stuff like that. And so you know, by from the beginning of my Middle school period, when I was 11 years old, I was not shy, I was out there. I talked to people and stuff like that to the end of when I'm 14 and I'm in eighth grade. Is that correct? Yes, I think I'm 14, eighth grade. Whatever age I am, I'm in eighth grade.
Speaker 1:I'm shy, I'm self-conscious and I don't talk to anybody and I was wondering, like, what the hell happened between that three year period that caused me to be so self-conscious and stuff like that, and I think a lot of it, you know, had to do with actually, you know, before I get into this, I wanna give definitions of self-esteem and self-doubt, because that's what we're talking about. So I wrote my own definition and then I'm gonna read it again according to WebMD. So, like, my definition of self-esteem and self-doubt was having negative feelings about oneself that destroyed how we feel about ourselves. I wrote it in the next time. It called oneself ourselves. You know perfect grammar Now. So that was my definition and then according to WebMD.
Speaker 1:So self-esteem is broken up into like three, four, three parts, I believe. So the overall definition of self-esteem is how we value and perceive ourselves. It's based on our opinions and beliefs about ourselves, which can feel difficult to change. So there's low self-esteem, there is overly high self-esteem and healthy self-esteem, and so overly high self-esteem is feeling superior to others. People with people with overly high self-esteem are often arrogant, self-indulgent in expressed feelings of entitlement. They tend to overlook their own flaws because that others we all know someone like that. And then you have low self-esteem, which is feeling inferior to others, which I'm like how can I ever possibly wanna feel inferior to everyone, like I'm freaking, amazing, like hell. But you know, past me was not. Low self-esteem is feeling inferior to others.
Speaker 1:People with low self-esteem value their opinions of others above their own. It is sometimes difficult for them to accept compliments as they tend to focus on their perceived weakness rather than their assets. They are often afraid of failure and believe everyone else is better than they are. And so then you have the healthy self-esteem. To the other side, have the self-esteem which is having an accurate and balanced self-view. People with a healthy self-esteem recognize and accept their abilities, their flaws, their strengths and their weaknesses. They hold realistic expectations for themselves and others. And so those are the definitions of self-esteem and stuff like that. And then I'll read you guys the definition of self-doubt when I get to that.
Speaker 1:And so for me, I believe that caused me to have a low self-esteem when you know, my sister and I we were always on the same, so being a twin year, at least for us. I know it's for most friends, but we're all you know, we're pretty much together all the time. We are literally viewed as the same person. I'm glad we don't look alike, because if we looked alike there would be a lot worse. When we were little, everyone would like we would group us together like all that exact same person. Me and my sister cannot be farther apart.
Speaker 1:You see my room. You see, first of all there's crap everywhere, you know, because I have a small room but there's so much I'm gonna put on walls, my walls. But you see that I have like Alina Battle Angel. I have Harry Potter, game of Thrones I don't think you can see me in my new Dragon poster that I have. I have stuff such as that. I'm a really big nerd. I have books all over, like all on this side of my room books, books, books. Whereas she has like she reads a lot my sister. We both read, we both really did with that, but for her her room's a bit more like simple. It's not as a lot like me. She's more into true crime and stuff like that, where I'm more into sci-fi and fantasy, it's just stuff like that. And so my sister.
Speaker 1:We were always put in the same classes when we were in grade school because my parents wanted us all to be together. I always wanted to be with her. We never really wanted to be separate. As far as I know I don't know if she wanted to be separate oh wait, I figured out when she did but stuff like that and so, being in, we were in 11 years old. So we were in sixth grade. We were in the same classes Until maybe about after the first couple of months, my school decided to separate us and put us in different classes. I forget why they did that. I think they just didn't want siblings to be in the same class. It was like some whole situation.
Speaker 1:I remember I was 11 years old, cussing them the hell out Like who the hell do you think you are? Tell me, you know what's best for me. You don't even freaking know me. The hell's wrong with you, anyway. But which was good because she is a lot smarter than I am, which I shouldn't say that because I feel like that's also.
Speaker 1:It's weird Because I'm like, I try to be very careful when they come to my self-esteem. So I don't say things, these are. Words matter, and I always try to be careful what I say to not crop my own self-esteem. But my sister is a lot smarter than me, honestly speaking or maybe not smarter than me, she's just better at school than I am. I think I'm very smart in my own ways, seems I still struggle besides the point. Anyway, she was a lot better at school than I was at the time. Obviously, we know one new at ADHD. No one knew the issue that I dealt with one. I never expressed it. I'm also good at very hiding things, very good at hiding things down, and so, anyway, she was always a lot better at school than I was.
Speaker 1:So she was put into higher classes and stuff like that, and so it became that one person that I always had by my side. I didn't really have her by my side anymore. She never in the same classes and we don't get to middle school, you don't get recess or anything like that anymore. And lunchtime my school was just stupid as hell, like stupid, where we couldn't sit with our friends. You had to sit with your class, and so because of that she is sitting. I would see her all the way across the cafeteria and I wouldn't be able to sit with her and so I could tell how she interacted with her classmates who were all in these higher classes.
Speaker 1:She was eighth grade, she was in algebra, I was in pre-algebra, it was stuff like that, and while people wouldn't matter, but it's like I began to become very self-conscious of myself because of my grades. She always had better grades than I did, and so I would always hate it when she would show her parents her grades and then, oh, let me see yours and I'm like, well, I didn't do as great as this, so you're going to be disappointed in me and stuff like that. And I used to hate it so much and I was very. I think that's one thing. Obviously, when her fall she had no idea about this and this was none of her doing, it was really all on me.
Speaker 1:But it was like, especially as we got older, I didn't really have that many friends. People would literally ask her to be a part of her friend group. I've never was asked to be a part of anyone's friend group. I had maybe about two or three friends that I can even think of, but none that I talked to outside of school. She had best friends. She had a whole group of friends, like three best friends or whatever and it would be to the point where they would all come over and they would try to invite me to hang out in her room with them and stuff like that. I would always just stay in my room. In the middle school we did have separate rooms, which is great, because that's when I felt like we were able to figure out our own personalities and stuff like that, which is wonderful for us.
Speaker 1:But at the same time it was like we just weren't as close anymore. We're still twins, we're all still together, but we weren't close. I didn't know what's happening in her mind. She didn't know what's happening in my mind. I struggled being able to like I'm seeing my best friend having all these other best friends. I'd never had any friends. I remember I would get so excited if I ever got a phone call. I'm like, oh, maybe it's from a friend. Well then, this is really sad. It was. It was from my mom or something. Only person I never talked to was probably my mom and that's about it. My older brother when he was in college. That's literally it. I didn't have any friends.
Speaker 1:It was very hard for me seeing one of my classmates who were all in higher grades than me, getting better grades than I am. I felt like they were doing better than I was and at a certain period A-Hunters took a toll on me and because of that I always said that I was my own bully. I was never really bullied. I mean. People were mean Cuz I was. I was. I was quiet, a center corner, right about ideally talk much. Only differences. I may be quiet. I'm also violent, so I was very, very handy with my threats. So I punched people, if they are were mean to me. So I could. I would not believe because I I just didn't allow it. Um, but yeah, but I was like my own building. I was always super, super mean to myself. It was really hard for me to care about myself and I just called myself names, I called myself stupid, I told myself that I hated myself and Over a long period of time that becomes to really destroy your own self-esteem and the more you know.
Speaker 1:I started comparing myself to my sister, started comparing myself to the kids in my classes, the ones who were in higher classes, kids around me and Stuff like that, and then it became you know, why can't I be as smart as them? Why can't I be as good at schools? I mean things. I love school, you know. I love doing the work and I love doing so like that. I just wasn't great at it, you know. And then on top of that, if you can to be what one? I don't value about how I Was mentally like in terms of just my brain, how it worked. I was. I think I was smart enough and stuff like that, and then it led on to just my looks. I was.
Speaker 1:I became very self-conscious of how I looked. So which I'm gonna episode where I talk about putting yourself in a box I put myself in a Box that was bulletproof, indestructible, all that type of stuff where I literally would not. You know, I would just like a nut. I wouldn't wear shorts, I would only wear long sleeves. You would not see me in a short sleeve. I only were hoodies or sweat pants or like long pants, stuff like that. I was very self-conscious of how I look.
Speaker 1:I hated my hair, which is something that I feel like every black woman has gone through a pump in our life when we like hate our hair, especially if you're not, you know I was. My hair was always perm since I was young, so I never had that like pretty curly hair and stuff like that which you know I went. When I hit 15 I like refused to let my mom perm her hair. I'm not doing this. I'm not damaged my hair anymore. You know, it was always flat iron or put into braids and stuff like that. It's always very self-conscious of my hair. I remember always time I would like pray like God, can you make my hair more like my classmates who was like had long silk hair which I'm with that shit like now. You know, no, no, I mean not that there's anything wrong with having long-silky hair, it's just I Love my hair. I would not not want it any other way now. But at the time I really, really hated my hair and you know I just began to just be a ball for this self-conscious and just I hated myself and because I didn't think I was smart, I did. I didn't think I was pretty until like that. That led to me having a lot of Self-doubt, and what I mean by this here is a definition of self-doubt.
Speaker 1:Self-doubt is simply a lack of faith in oneself, a feeling of doubt or uncertainty about one's abilities, action, etc. When they're plagued with self-doubt, they're overcame myself doubt and yeah, yeah, yeah, they go from the right nature. But yeah, it's really not having faith in yourself. So you don't believe that you're smart and you don't believe that you're pretty. When you don't believe in all these things about yourself, you moving forward, you start to not, you start to get concerned and start having anxiety like, oh, I'm not smart enough to do this and I I can't do this and I'm not pretty enough for this or stuff like that, and it becomes really, really hard for you and I just I remember at being at time. That's one of the reasons why I, like, sheltered myself away.
Speaker 1:It's also one of the reasons I love reading so much. You know it's always a big reader. I was really small. I don't know if my parents let me books when I was a kid. Probably did, probably, I don't know. Probably. I think they did. I didn't. I don't know. I was like a, seriously, my parents aren't readers. So they think we're like, oh, my god, I need my kid to read books. Now. How, like we are now with, like, my nieces and nephews, I'm like you need to read. It's wonderful, but I always loved to read, me and Taylor, on like reading Olympics and we're like the fifth grade and stuff like that we were feeling and all that stuff.
Speaker 1:But for me, really really reading really became that place for me to Feel free and happy and I didn't hate myself when I read and I was only Happy and stuff like that, because you know, it was an escape for me and that's, I think, one which has led to my assumption with reading because for as long as I can remember now it's become that place for me where it's like if I didn't like who I was being, if I didn't like who I was or how my life Was or how I was living, then I can just open up a book and become someone else and when that book finished I could open up another one and then another one, and then another one. That's also the reason why I love watching TV so much. I love watching movies. I love the escape that watching TV and some of us Bring for you. You can enter a whole new world and I would always call it a castrated because you, either way, I used to binge watch shows, like I was.
Speaker 1:I. I always Love to watch those and rewatch and then rewatch them. I don't know whether I should be obsessed with the CW. One point I had been watching all your shows like Arrow, flash Legends, vampire Diaries, the Originals, all that funny thing. I watched the original before I watched Vampire Diaries. I didn't know Vampire Diaries was a thing.
Speaker 1:I started the original back when I lived in Philly and I saw like I was watching on the CW. I saw like a clip, like a trailer thingy for the vampire guys. I'm like, oh my god, klaus is on there and I'm like, oh my god, we're watching a spin-off and that's the actual show. So it was very cool watching the vampire guys. I'm like I already know who the original are. You really think a state to the heart is gonna kill him. No, no, but yeah. And so that was always just like it for me, and so books for me just became like my happy place, hence why, like, I'm just obsessed with the now.
Speaker 1:Now I've gotten to the place where I now just like to read simply because I just like to read books. I'm not using them for any alternative moment which like escape you, which is something I've been really struggling with. I was having a hard time with that and I came to that understanding back when I read the fourth wing, maybe like two months ago. I read like a month ago, maybe two months ago, where I had like read the entire book, like right through the entire thing, and I loved it. I love the fourth wing great book.
Speaker 1:I do a review on it, but I remember talking to my therapist about it because I had one on TikTok and everyone was talking all about the different plots and parts of it that they read and I'm like the things that they saw and like I'm just good portion of how I miss it. And I was like I was talking to her like because I've so long read books for the fulfillment of reading books and not for the actual like reading of the books. I mean for some of them, for some of them I will like like any Tracy Deon or Jennifer Armitra, I'm reading for the plot, but other stuff I'm just like reading it for just like the sake of oh, it's an escape for me. And so I've literally been working on reprogramming my mind and rewiring my brain to just read books, just for the enjoyment of it and not for an alternative moment movement, reason, I don't know and I've been doing really good with that. I just finished. Oh my god, what did I just finish. I just finished daughter sparta and I really loved that.
Speaker 1:But I love anything about Greek mythology and that's like that series. Oh my god, I'm sorry I burped. Anyway, that series will literally I'm always, I'm on the greek side, always been on the greek side. You know that series will have you like rooting for the romans and like we gotta understand them. You know, like we are smart, I like you know we're Greeks, but besides the point and so yeah, and so it's always just been so strange thinking about it and whenever I think back to it, because I've made such progress which I'm going to explain further later.
Speaker 1:But it's like, you know, my self esteem was always something that was really crushed by myself and I became a loner. You know I, like I said before, I became that shy kid who just sat in the corner in red books all freaking day. I used to. I had a library. Why did I have a library card? I use my mom's library card because here's my school library, high school, all in literally like the same complex. I got you to say, and so like every day it was like a thing everyone at my middle school. We all leave our middle school and go to the library and that's how everybody, everybody would hang out no one really going in. I was always the one who was going in. I'm like checking out at least three to four books at a time. I became a very fast reader. It was always something you know, you would never.
Speaker 1:It became actually a serious problem, I guess with my friend. They're like once I made friend, they're like you're only gonna book. Well, I wonder why. Clearly all are not interesting enough. Okay, um, but yeah and so for me, uh, it became a just a safe place for me and I don't think anyone I mean I think my family realized how low my self-esteem had become, but and it was talk to me about but nothing was ever done to like try to fix it or make it better. I also because you said in the living situation oh, my god, my sinuses the living situation in which I was in wasn't helpful. Like I was being kind of I'm not gonna get deep into it Bye, bye certain people in my life. I was treated like pure crap and so of course that's not gonna help my self-esteem when I have the person who's supposed to be Caring for me and being there for me and being that I lie for me is the one also putting you down.
Speaker 1:And so when you have someone like that in your life and you have yourself and see, here's something I I saw in a book. It was in the love hypothesis by Ali Hazel. I'm trying to look at her name I can't see, but I think it's Ali Hazel. What can I claim to cover it? But it was basically she had like a Problem with her, her self-esteem too, and there was like a whole thing. I mean she's upset because she heard some people talking really bad about how she Like had messed up when she was doing a presentation and stuff like that and Her love interest was like but you know that you're amazing, so like the only reason that you're agreeing with them is because you believe it too. You know, for me it was.
Speaker 1:It was always weird how I was, like I was never someone who cared what people think about. Okay, let's talk about this. So because I had such a self-esteem and I hated how I was and I hated who I was, and I think I didn't think I was pretty, I didn't think I was smart, it led to me just stop caring, and what I mean by this. Like I care, in a sense of like I cared enough to not like myself, but I didn't care enough to make a change about it. You know where I was like. You know what. I don't care if I don't think I'm pretty, so I'm gonna just have a ride I want. When I tell you I would oh, my god, your girl has style now. Your girl back then did not, and so I was not good the way I used to dress. I didn't care about hair, look, I didn't care how I looked. I didn't care what people thought about me. If you didn't like me, I don't care, like I didn't care, which is good. But at the same time, I didn't care to a point where I didn't even care about how I felt about myself because I felt so bad about myself. Most times I just stopped caring about myself. Overall, I didn't take care of myself in the ways that I should have.
Speaker 1:You know, self-care was a very big part of my life. Now I didn't do that stuff, stuff back then, you know. And so, like when you're like that, it just it's, it's not, it's not good for you, you know, it's very bad for you, and so because of that, I kind of just did whatever I wanted. I was that I was tree hugger your school, I was a tree hugger. I was the girl who danced in the rain. All everyone else was under the tire and, like they didn't want to get wet, I was dancing in the rain, bringing shame to my family. I just moved on once again. But yeah, and so it was.
Speaker 1:Um, it was always just very, very strange, especially just because, you know, like having a older sister who's a minute older than me and I'm watching her be so much better at people, in better with school and it, I just really destroyed my old self-esteem about it and I became self-doubtful. I had I started I think that's when it started my anxiety issues where I Because you know, I didn't think I was running out, I didn't, you know, I was Off offered different things and I had the different things and I always just became so scared of doing them. Like I remember I wanted to chop a chili and I did. I didn't make it the first time until a girl started fighting and she got king up a team, but like that was something that was able to myself esteem. I was like, of course I didn't get apart on the cheer team because I used to cheer growing up Like, of course I didn't get a point on the cheer team. I'm disgusting and I'm not good at it and this isn't that like it was really bad and something that did not help. It's great right.
Speaker 1:By this point, I I won't say I didn't have friends. I won't. I have school friends, friends to hang out with me in school. Friend he talked to me in school. I had that. I wasn't like my sister, where I had friends outside of school. We can go to this house. Is they want some either? I would be. I was literally like a fit wheel hanging out with her friends. You know Also, I never did, I never liked.
Speaker 1:First, I don't believe in dating him in the school. I've never understood that. You guys are children. This is disgusting. But whatever, my sister had boyfriend or a friend, well, her friends had way friends and stuff like that also normal is gay, makes sense, um, where'd he been? They didn't know, I don't know. Whatever it was, I don't like.
Speaker 1:And so, one, I never liked anyone because I'm like you guys are disgusting looking like please get out of my face. And two, I just I till his day, I've never actually liked someone, and so for me, I always used to feel bad about myself. Come on, well, everybody's dating one I'm not dating, which I never even put together. Like girl you don't want, you don't like any, you don't like guys, you're gay Okay, let's just put that out there. But also, you're a child I don't want. I don't have to deal with this. So it was always like the way we, dating for like two days or like a week, you know, break up like oh, I don't like you anymore, like why are we wasting our time, you know? So that was always like the funniest fracking thing to me. But um, um, christ, I love what they say. No, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And so for me, something was really hard, for me, a great, and so, like the kids around me, everybody knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. I did not, and it was like something like a first time, 14. I have a long time ahead of me. I wasn't even 14. I was 13. I was 13 because I didn't. I I tried 14. I Don't know I was. I was 15, 13, 14.
Speaker 1:But like every, all, like my sister's friends, all of my cousins, they all knew what they wanted to do with their life. Like our friends wanted to be like Pediatricians or like doctors. My sister went to be an FBI, I mean, and then everybody went off to do those things with a on group and for me I'll that. Oh, I don't know what I want to be. I became so concerned I'm like, oh, my god, should I know what I want to be. But there was one point where I'll be a lawyer. I figured out how long I had to go from, like, yep, no, that's not happening.
Speaker 1:I went to FAU for tour with my sister, um, because she was looking at college at the time. She didn't go to college, she was looking for some of the time and I saw like a robot at FAU and I was like, oh, I'm gonna be coming, I'm a mechanical engineer, I'll build robots. If you can't even do regular school, you think you want to do that, let's, let's be so effing through. But yeah, I just came up with all these different ideas and I felt like I had to know what I was doing right then and I Is too soon develop me becoming very fearful for the future.
Speaker 1:I think that's what started my fear of the future In my anxiety, because I used to be like everyone else knew what they wanted to do. I did it like one Okay, I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I don't know how I'm gonna make money in the future. I'm gonna end up homeless, I'm not gonna. I'm gonna end up along all this stuff and I became so obsessed with my future and I think that's why I always think about the future so much now. It's because I that I was literally in middle school stressing about how I'm gonna become homeless one day, because I didn't know what I wanted To do with my life and I wasn't gonna make any money and I was gonna be. You know, this isn't that, and it was just something that was really, really hard for me.
Speaker 1:I didn't figure what I wanted to do until in the ninth grade, but, um, that, you know, for me was just like detrimental to everything that I was doing, everything that I had going on, because I'm seeing Everyone around me and once again, comparing myself to everyone else. I'm like they all know they want to do. They like I'm so stupid. How could I not know what I want to do? I'm freaking 13, let's, let's, let's just be so furlough, sweet me like, come on.
Speaker 1:Anyway, when I was 15, my sister was the one who actually was like, because I used to like, I said I would. I loved film, I love TV and I used to love them just for how they look in the camera movements or something. I remember I was talking to my sister. I was dissecting once, or she's like, why don't you do like a movie director, because you really like how they make them? I was like, you know, that's actually not a bad idea.
Speaker 1:Then I started out what we're gonna get into later about how, um, yeah, I grew up, became so afraid of the idea of being terrible at film. I just started writing because of that, because it was just a lot easier to just be a writer, because I could do that from the safety of my own bed Versus film where I had to work with people. And I didn't think I could do that because I was. I just had my Tooth on the mic. Anyway, I didn't think I could do that because I was very subconscious. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're gonna talk about in another episode. And so, yeah, my self-esteem dropped by so much. You know, I'll give a little bit inside because I am. I'm so, because I am like very late. Anyway, yeah, I, when I decided I wanted to become a filmmaker when I was in the ninth grade, I Became.
Speaker 1:I was always so excited for I made, I wrote all these other short scripts which I did fall in love with. Writing is my, it's one of my favorite things to do, so, my passions. But I was like, oh, I'm never gonna be able to work with people, I'm never gonna be good enough, I'm never gonna be able to create these things. Actually, I would like plan it, write it, do the shot list, shooting, schedule, all that. I would get set up everything up. I could not press start, I could not like hit record on that damn camera, like it was always a fail for me and what was so hard for me and it because of that it just became.
Speaker 1:I was just so concerned with failing and that I gave up on myself and I just always avoided it, and I think that's one reason I deal with avoided and procrastination. You know, I'm not procrastinating because I'm lazy most days. I procrastinate because I'm avoiding the feeling that comes with doing the thing, even if I, even I really want to do them, which I just learned is like a symptom of ADHD. Boss, just some people with mental health issues, and so, yeah, obviously, this is not an episode where we're gonna talk about how to fix this. We're gonna talk about identifying it. And you know, just in terms of identifying it, like what does that mean? It means, you know, do you wake up? And when you're getting ready, do you not? It's looking the mirror. Now, suddenly, that was really hard for me. For years, I hated looking at my own reflection because I didn't like the way I look and, like I said, I didn't like my hair and like which.
Speaker 1:My relationship with my hair was a long one and a change. When I met my sister-in-law Before she was my sister-in-law Shola is her my brother had just started dating and she had visited the family and she had beautiful, beautiful, like a big, aphorly hair, not like an aphor, like round, but like aphor, like it's all. I was very curly. If you ever guys ever see her, it's actually gorgeous. She's one of my best friend. I love her, and she grew up with her hair natural. She never, you know, permed it. She bleached it, but she never permed it and did stuff like that. And so she, you know, I used to tell her that, oh, I wish I had your hair. You're so beautiful and she's like all hair is good hair. You just have to know how to take care of it. And that's when I Like sometimes, after having meeting her, that's when I stopped permming it and I started taking care of it.
Speaker 1:I Will cut my end a lot more. I learned how to take care of natural hair. That's also. I locked up my hair because natural hair is very hard. I did natural for me about a son of my locks when I was I Just hurt 17. So I'll say for about two, maybe Three years I had been natural for and I remember getting up every morning. I would like do my. I would get up earlier in the morning to do my hair. I would I always suck that it, but I still did it, which is something that helped with my self-esteem because I was Actually trying for once with my appearance. So that's number one. Just, I was like a little tips in this episode. So number one you know, like I said, do you not like what you see in the mirror?
Speaker 1:I feel like for me, you know and I'm gonna talk more about this in another episode because I hit one of my lowest periods when I was 15 and I I Can't even describe how terrible I just the feeling of my life was. It wasn't even thing externally, it was just mentally and emotionally. It was a gaping hole that was so big and I didn't know what to feel it. And it wasn't so. My best friend Mikaela, which I do have, I do have best friends now I I actually stole Max's the best friend Mikaela I I do have my closest friend. I have a friend there, but I have a people I love and people love me. I literally was like ice skating for the first time in like four years with my two best friends last night, which was wonderful, which I'm gonna be really sad when I move because we're gonna leave each other and they're gonna move out of the country because they're such an action. Anyway, yeah, damn it, I forgot what I was gonna say. Yeah, makeda had mentioned this was like before.
Speaker 1:Billie was like super big. She was still Billie Eilish, but she was a year older than me, so I was 15, she was 16. And she came out with I Don't Want to Be you anymore, and I remember listening to that song and the first time. That's something. That's why I love Billie Eilish so much, because I've always resonated with her music, but she came up with that song and then like spoke to me and I was like I don't want to be who I am anymore. I couldn't recognize that. You know, that's one thing.
Speaker 1:Whenever I thought about myself, I only had negative things to say. Whenever someone would give me a compliment like every one time, I forget, I think with my friend Hedell at the time he'd give me some compliment about like being smart I was like oh, I'm not smart, I'm very stupid, and so like, that was always very quick to like oh, because I don't want people to think, oh, I'm smart, and then be disappointed and stuff like that. And so it was stuff like that and I was like you know, I don't like this version myself, I don't like who I'm being, I don't like that I don't take care of myself. I don't like that I'm. You know, and you know, still very hard I had that understanding and that realization. You know, I don't. Sometimes you can have that thing. I don't like who I am anymore. I this fit me once before, it doesn't fit me now.
Speaker 1:And from that moment on, I started changing my life around in terms of one. I started with self affirmations. I started writing gratitude lists. I started trying to talk better about myself. I started like staring and standing the mirror longer and, oh my god, I think it starts in four minutes. I'm not. I'm 20 minutes away. I started just like looking at myself and like, hey you're smart, hey you're beautiful. Did I believe it? No, but at a certain period you keep telling yourself certain things. You're going to start to believe it. I'll get more in depth in another episode about these things and continue on from the point that I'm at, but it's you know, I do, you know, want to give just a quick note before I end.
Speaker 1:But you guys are all worth it. You all have. You all are beautiful in your own type of way. You may not feel it, and maybe lives are from stances and maybe how you feel about yourself, but one, no one's perfect. We all have our own issues. We all have our own faults and flaws and problems, and it's all about how you handle them. It's all about how you just think about yourself and you know especially.
Speaker 1:You know when people say things and it's like you believe them. That's what makes it worth it. If you didn't believe them, you probably wouldn't care, but if you believe, then that's when it starts to hit home and it really hurts. And so, with that being said, I'm going to end up with you guys. So remember that you all are amazing. You're all trying your best because life is hard. We're all trying our best. You're trying your best. You guys can do this. We're amazing. You're amazing people and we freaking got this.
Speaker 1:You know, I can't wait to really continue on with this series. I think this is going to be a very good series for you guys. I think it's going to be good for me because I think it's going to allow me to tap into some things and understand my own feelings that maybe haven't discovered yet. So I will literally continue on from this point probably not this exact point, knowing me, but I will continue on from where I was just talking about in terms of self esteem, and my next episode will be about feeling of trying and failing and posture syndrome and then kind of leading us to maladaptive dreaming and dissociation. I'm going to talk about a little bit of all of it, but obviously each will have its own success. So thank you guys so much for coming on and tuning on and joining today.
Speaker 1:I hope for my YouTube watchers now which one update was still waiting on case you're still working out. I really hope I'm able to get this. It's weird. I was able to kind of like compress my videos and stuff like that so that I would I'm able to get it into the certain limit that they wanted, but it damages the quality of the video and I'm like I'm imperfection and I don't want to put out a video that doesn't have good quality. It's kind of fuzzy and let me know if you guys can find it out, but, like I don't know, she's figuring out. We're good, we're good, we're great. Thank you guys again, so much for coming on and listening to me. I am currently running late for church, actually, because church starts in 10 minutes and I live 20 minutes away and the travel is going to be insane. So I love you guys. Thank you guys so much for joining me.
Speaker 1:Check out my next episode next week. It won't be from this series, it probably will be from one of my other ones. I have to look at my schedule. I don't remember which one is coming out next, but stay tuned for it. It's going to be wonderful. It's going to be great. I love you all. I'm sorry I hit my hand? No, because the way I had the other night I ran into my bed and my bed is low. I don't even know what I was going to ask that I tell. I don't even know what I was saying and I ran into my bed so hard with my knee that, first of all, black people, we don't bruise. You have to actually hit as hard for us to bruise. I have a freaking. It's not big, but I have a bruise and it's like slightly swollen. So yeah, I love you guys. I love you guys.