In this weeks episode I share my experience of living inside my head and all that comes with it. As a pregame to my new series I share my truths about Maladaptive Dreaming, creating stories that bleed into my life, and so much more.
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IG: @butlikethatsonmymind
@ashantee0419
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@ashanteeaugustine
X: @BLThatsOnMyMind
In this weeks episode I share my experience of living inside my head and all that comes with it. As a pregame to my new series I share my truths about Maladaptive Dreaming, creating stories that bleed into my life, and so much more.
Hey, follow me on social media.
IG: @butlikethatsonmymind
@ashantee0419
Tik Tok: @butlikethatsonmymind
@ashanteeaugustine
X: @BLThatsOnMyMind
Hello, my beautiful creatures. How are you guys? Okay, alright, before we get started into today's episode, I have a list of announcements that I would like to give you guys first, starting with patreon. Okay, so, hopefully my patreon will be up by next week. I have, like I said before, been working with patreon to try to get my episodes up. Basically, what's happening is I'm not able to upload my full episodes, which is very weird, because I've, like I've watched creators like I got an hour or two hours and, yeah, like mine will be like 30 minutes long and I just like can't upload me, like this whole problem with my system or whatever, I don't know. So we've been trying to work together to figure it out. So, hopefully, I met with someone today who gave me some ideas or something to try. So I'm gonna try that this week and hopefully I'm able to get them up.
Speaker 1:I was trying to, I was deciding, because I was like I've got so many there's so many different episodes that I already shot and that I really want to put out and that I really like, and I'm like should I just like put them out? Should I just, you know, just say, screw, patreon, just put them out? And I was like you know what no, like I don't want to give up yet. I really want to try again, cuz I genuinely want a patreon. I've always wanted to be patreon and I, you know, think it'd be a very fun way for you guys to get more episodes per week, and so hopefully they'll be up by next week, fingers crossed. If not, I'll let you guys know. But so I have decided that once, hopefully I'm able to get my patreon up.
Speaker 1:But regardless, something I want to do is for my regular listeners all of you guys who just listen to my voice, I wanted to try something different and also post on YouTube. What I mean by that is I'll, like my entire podcast would be recorded, so you won't see like the small clips from me on my social medias or, unless you're subscribed to patreon, you won't just see those. You'll see like my full episode, for like the ones that I put out on Apple podcast and Spotify and all the other podcast services I am, I'm on, and so you'll be able to go on to YouTube and you can see me or who I'm ever I'm interacting with and stuff like that. I think that's quite fun. I one of my favorite podcast is just in gigs or and call her daddy and stuff like that, and I love watching the like on the screen. That's actually something I do more than I actually listen to podcasts, I prefer to like watch them, I guess, especially because I'm like, while I'm doing something, it's just like something fun for me to do, I guess. But so yeah, and so starting next week, I will be having my episodes on YouTube where you can watch them. I decided not to do it this week because I look like pure crap right now. I thought next week would be more fun for a specific reason, to talk to me in a second, but tell me how. Okay.
Speaker 1:So I went to church this morning, right, but before I went to church last night, my friends got these new, this new dog. It's a husky, her name is sky, she's all white, he's absolutely the cutest, and so I'm like, of course I'm gonna go to their house and visit the dog, and so I don't know, going to their place, me, my sister, we played with the doggie she's so freaking cute and we end up having a little game that we played some different games, but I learned how to play like dominoes and we played like these, like question games and, like me and my friends played Mortal Kombat and Spider-Man like the remastered. Because, tell me, hold on quick diver from my other diver, tell me how. So I have pushing. Right, I have a PlayStation 5, right, I got it so that I could play Harry Potter, because I'm a big Harry Potter nerd. And I literally just got this damn device just so that I could play Harry Potter legacies. But like, well, since I already have it I enjoyed playing video games when I played them in the past with my brother I might as well get some more and you know how to get a fun with it. And so I have the one. I got the one because I got the digital version. I got it with God of War, ragnarok.
Speaker 1:And so I was told, like I don't start that one until you have played that the first God of Wars. And I was like, okay, cool, go bet. And so, like I had, I wanted to also play the new Spider-Man that's coming out. But then, like a couple weeks or whatever. But my co-workers and my friends were like, yeah, no, don't play that until you play that the other Spider-Man, and stuff like that, cuz I've never played video games before. I almost had never played video games before. I've never played them by myself. It's always been like on someone else's console and while I was over I just played on theirs. But yeah, it sounds like cool. You know, I'm gonna treat myself, you know all that.
Speaker 1:And so the other night I got paid and normally I live, like you know, as one does budget the budget paycheck to paycheck, and I am very typically strict with what I spend my money on. I try not to spend my money on things that are neck necessities, like bills or food, water, stuff like that. And so I was like you know what, let me, you know, buy myself something that I've been wanting. I normally will save, I want something. I normally will like save up for it. But this time I was like you know what, let me just go out and buy myself something. I didn't go, I was like in my bed but still. And so, like you know what, I want the new Mortal Kombat.
Speaker 1:I've always wanted to play more combat. The last time I paid was like years ago, and I used to always lose against my brother and I won one time and I refuse to ever play again, cuz like I will forever hold that I beat my brother and Mortal Kombat, which he hates, and I'm like I love it. So, yeah, it sounds like you know what I wanted the new one. I had been like starting to save up for it but I was like you know, let's just buy it. So, my dude, this is four in the morning.
Speaker 1:I decided, just like in it, like cuz I got paid in the middle of the night of course, inside, decided that in the middle of the night I was gonna pay every single one of my bills. I did all my budgeting, all that. I mean good, adelting, we love it. But I decided, you know, for the morning was the correct thing to do, place to do that time to do that. And so I went on to know the PlayStation store, as one does on my PlayStation, and I put more to combat in the car. I want to buy it.
Speaker 1:I forgot that I had put God of War and the spider-man remastered in my car as well. So in my mind I'm looking at it and I'm thinking like Amazon, like only one of them is selected because the first one was like Highlight. So I'm okay, that's the one that I'm buying. I like completely forgot that the other two were even there, even though I'm staring them right down the face. And so I like Press buy. And then it's like actually like, if you want to confirm his buy, I confirmed the buy and then afterwards is like a hundred and thirty eight dollars Purchase.
Speaker 1:Now, like I'm already half tired, half asleep, I'm freaking out. Man. What did I just buy it? How much is this game? What the hell's going on?
Speaker 1:I looked at my account. The money was pulled and then I look I was like bro, I just bought three games when I meant to buy one. That's why you don't buy stuff yourself, because you know doing something like that. So, regardless, I was like you know what I was. I had looked at like okay, I return them, can I get a refund? So like that.
Speaker 1:But then I thought I was like you know what? I put them in my car for a reason. I wanted them. So I already have them. I might as well keep them, it's whatever. So I really wasn't that upset anymore once I kind of put it that way and I've been having a lot of fun playing them. I've started playing them yesterday. I've been playing a lot of Mortal Kombat. I've been playing. I started sweating, I was pretty cool and I really like out of war. It's all very different from Harry Potter, which I still have to finish that game I've I haven't honestly had time to be playing any of my games, so I've been like slowly just playing them when I can. But out of all, so far, harry Potter is obviously my favorite. It's just too wonderful to not be my favorite, you know. But yeah, oh, my god, the tour. Oh, okay, cool, all right.
Speaker 1:So yeah, we were at my my friend Charlie's house visiting her dog and we ended up staying over and so I got up around like nine Ish, this morning, left the house about 9 30 and so passing, like once I leave their house, and I had to mind I'm passing my church it's. I know many go to the 11 30 service, but I called my mom to see if she was going as well. She was like, oh, I forgot that she's like a vending event this morning which hats off to her, and so I was like, cool, well, the services about to start in two minutes. I was literally an exit away from that, from the exit where my church is, because it literally right when you go off the exit. So, like you know, I might as well go, and cool thing is my mom's best friend was there, so I had just called her and I was like, hey, I'm here and sign up sitting with her, as one normally does. Could we all go to church together, cuz you know? Yeah, but yeah, and so tell me how?
Speaker 1:First of all, you know that, saying, only God can judge Clearly the hell, not cuz it's happening in his own house. I mind you, I am in my pajamas. Like I'm in my pajamas. I wasn't planning on staying the night. My sister was, so I was training on cuz I was like I have to record my podcast in the morning and I have other errands that I had the right in the morning, so I was like I'm gonna just go to go down like seven. I was I'll leave around like 10 is 10 30.
Speaker 1:We didn't go down to like 8, 30 is. So we didn't get there till 9 and by time we finished playing games was like 12 and I was like yeah, I'm gonna just crash, which they all were like we knew you wouldn't be told you to bring clothes, because we knew you wouldn't leave, because I never Feel like leaving, I never feel I drive it cuz I'm 30 minutes away from them, and so like I, you know, came, I'm like in my pajamas, kind of covered in husky hair and stuff like that. I mean I'm not an extreme amount, it looks like you can tell, but like still, and it's like I walk in and One of the greeters he like sighs the hell out of me. I said, sir, he's like, have a good church service, sir, sir, sir, mind you business, all right, but so this is not. Even. I'm honestly I look pretty Disappearable considering because when I used to live five minutes away from the church, I quite literally down the street, I was rolling out of bed, I would brush my teeth, wash my face and then go like I wasn't no, I wasn't even wearing you know. And so he should be happy that I looked somewhat presentable before. I would show up in long socks of clocks, curses, pants during June and I hoodie in a hundred degree weather, like I would look a mess because I was praising the Lord. I wasn't caring about how I looked, okay, but yes, so I don't remember why I was telling you guys about that. I I kind of the tour anyway, moving on.
Speaker 1:So next on to my Announcement we have, officially, officially, I got a notification this morning, because I try not to check my podcast too much, like my statistics, so that I was. I don't like trying to talk, I can't speak today, I only like trying to check those, maybe once to twice a week. It's I still struggle with it Just because I don't want to get in my head about things and stuff like that. I'm like, oh, this episode better, did better than this one and I should be doing more things like that and then I won't. I don't want to get lost in my Podcast and actually I find myself recording and shooting stuff that I don't particularly like because I'm trying to give views, so yeah, but so I they. Typically, if I reach a new achievement or something like that, I will get like an email about it. And today we officially hit 25,000 Downloads since I started and 2021 can we Freakin believe it? Besides the fact I'll hit two years on December 6 my mind is freaking blown Like this is is seriously insane. I had genuinely, like two years ago, did not think I would have had 25,000 Downloads on my podcast. Like all my episodes have around 700 to a thousand downloads like per episode for the most, for the most parts. Besides, like my earlier days with those that like, maybe like a hundred if I'm lucky, but it's still so freakin cool. I'm so grateful and excited and I really thank you.
Speaker 1:Hold on tea break, mmm ASMR. That's probably really gross, I'm sorry, but I have a. I'm trying to incorporate more tea. I mean, all right, not trying to. I I do a lot of tea on a rig, but I'm trying to incorporate more into my diet just because of the fact of that.
Speaker 1:I don't drink caffeine Because it doesn't necessarily help me, I guess, or makes you, I don't know. I guess it levels me out with her. I don't like coffee, is what I mean, because it upsets my stomach, but I love tea and I've learned that having ADHD and then having caffeine, I guess in mellows like Balances us, is something I've been told mainly by coffee drinkers. So I don't know, but I guess because, like, the tea that I drink typically has to caffeine in it, because they're all like Block teas and stuff like that, and so, yeah, that's what. So, yeah, anyway, thank you guys, so much again for Listening to my podcast and coming on and supporting me. I really, really appreciate it and I'm very excited for all the fun things I have planned for you guys.
Speaker 1:Okay, onto my last announcement and we can get into today's episode, which I'm now like 12 minutes in. I'm not really having to start the episode yet. Oh, yes, okay, we are starting a new series, qd pause. I Really need to get an applause system, because the way I don't even have one, this is hilarious. This new series is called Rewiring. It's basically where I will be talking about rewiring ourselves, our brand or habits, how we feel about certain things, how we act in certain situations and stuff like that. I'm obviously still continuing with my regular Schmeigler digulatory podcast episodes and as well as my adult and series. Those will never end.
Speaker 1:However, this new series I thought that would be very cool because I'm in a period of Growth and I only want to see growth within myself. I want to change. There's a lot of habits in mind that I want to change, a lot of things that I want to work on, and Well, I will be keeping pretty much all of that majority of that to myself. I want I do want to share my journey in a sense, like the big Revelations or like the steps that I'm doing and kind of how, those helping me. Without going into too deep, I do try to keep a level of like a balance, you know, of my personal life, kind of private and stuff like that. You know, it seems like I tell you guys everything which I do, but in a sense, you know, in a sense, and so I'm very excited for this series because I Feel like mental health is a very big part of all of our lives.
Speaker 1:And it was funny enough because at church and I feel like it was like God's way of saying, yeah, go ahead with this, up with this series, because today's sermon we're doing this series called trending right, and today was basically about, you know, happiness and how you know, regardless of what we have in our life and what we do, we're never like satisfied it, we're never like happy and how we need to start changing our mindsets, one being having showing more gratitude and walking more in the word of God and and just doing certain things to shifting our mindsets. And I was like that's exactly what I'm trying to do, you know. You know we wake up and we expect, you know, certain events in our lives. We're like, oh, one, when this thing happens, I'm gonna be happy then, or, and it's like, you know, one of the things he said today was, oh, if I, when I get my first car, then I'll be happy. Or when I get, when I'm first move out, I gotta move out into my own place and then I'll be happy.
Speaker 1:You know, those things happen and it's like it's like the things we want the most, or the things that we feel like will make us the happiest, never delivering the way that we want to, because we put like so much expectation on that thing, like, oh, that's finally what's gonna make me happy. No, external things can make you happy, only internal things, only what's happening inside of you, only what's happening in your mind. And if you have this, I believe that, oh, other people are gonna make you happy, or Materialistic things are gonna make you happy. You're gonna constantly live a life being let down, and it's something I've done a lot and I put the expectation on myself. I think I should all other people or objects or things and stuff like that, and it's like I really reshift myself in order to kind of live the life that I want to live, you know, and so that's gonna be my new series.
Speaker 1:Well, I'll be starting maybe a briefing on episodes every other week, or every other other week, depending on how you know the vibe is going, but yeah, so I'm very excited for you guys to check out that one. Okay, now into today's actual episode, because I, technically speaking, have to get to work soon, so I only have like 15 minutes to talk about this. This is what happens when we waste time a shanty anyway. So Today's episode is about being, you know oh, my god, I'm blitzing Christ Always being in my head and never outside of it. This is kind of like a pre Contexting to the series that I'm about to start next week, because I felt like I've kind of already been kind of going on this path when I've been slowly telling you guys about different things like this and changing your mind, such a changing your habits or life hacks and stuff like that. And so for this one, we kind of like a pre context To the new series that's coming out, which is like, like I said, allowing things you know to be created in my head and Causing me to never live outside of it. So one of the things what I mean is like, for instance, just being stuck in my head.
Speaker 1:I, I live in my head and it's funny, I was actually talking to my mom the other day and I was my one of my first like really serious talks with her in like a long time. We were talking about a lot of things. We talk about my growing up. We were talking about her you know how she feels about being a mother. We talk about like my product, like my Problems mentally are like with ADHD and stuff that I typically don't talk to my family about. I Tend to keep the things that I go through to myself and I'm one of those people who isolate when they're in pain, which is not something good, because you know, you always feel like you're alone and you like why couldn't nobody notice me? Why isn't anyone caring about me? It's like, well, no one knows what's happening. It's just when you're good at hiding stuff, and so we were like talking about that. And you know, one thing for me Is I'm always in my head, because I always found that my head was a lot better than I felt like I was living.
Speaker 1:And the thing is, you know, when I started doing this, it's called so what I've been heard, I've heard it's been caught and it's been talked about with me and my therapist before is maladaptive daydreaming, which, ah God, I had a thingy I have. I have taken a picture of, like a definition of what maladaptive dreaming is, and I hope that I Still have it. Okay, I'm gonna look it up and then I'll Continue on with it while I give you guys a bit of like Context. Wait, I'm just gonna give me one second. I'm gonna look this up. Okay, hold on, hold on. I looked it up. I had posted so that I could look it up, because I don't waste your guys air and I can't multitask. Okay, so maladaptive Daydreaming is a type of daydreaming that is an unhealthy or negative attempt to cope with or adapt to a problem.
Speaker 1:People who tend to do this, people who do this, tend to lose themselves and extremely vivid in detailed daydreams. Research also shows that this kind of daydream might be compulsive. That means it's difficult, if not impossible, to control that you're doing it. So I believe I Guess you can say I kind of started doing this. So basically, lay me turn. It's just like a really intense version of daydream and we all daydream. We're just thinking, we space out, we're just thinking of different things, but you typically go back to reality. You do whatever you're doing in life.
Speaker 1:I, on the other hand, many people out there is like like we will create complete and entire stories in our heads and then we will just live in that story throughout the day, like we're like Walking and we're talking around motor functions and stuff like that, but our mind is in another world and stuff like that. And I believe I can't, for what I can like, like distinctly remember it's when I was 11. That's when I kind of like started this and that's when, like I guess you could say I was I always like to say, is when I was 11, is when I became lucid. So like the things happening around me, like you know, when you're a kid and you obviously, when you see things as a kid, you know they happen at the adiata, but at the same time you don't really start Realizing the way life is or the way things are going until you're getting older and you're like things are just clicking for you, you know, and so for me that was when I was 11 and I saw the actual state of my parents relationship. I saw that they had a not that great relationship. I saw the state of my family in terms of how close we were and Reasons why certain people weren't coming around or why we weren't going around certain people like I started learning and understanding those type of things, and I never liked what I saw like certain.
Speaker 1:You know, I had a great life and I'm very grateful for my things, but at the same time it's like there was trauma that was built that I didn't realize that was happening at the time, that I've now Learned that actually I have trauma responses to them or I have difficulties with certain things because of things that's happened In my in the past and stuff, and so because of that I can I can distinctly remember when I first started. You know, maybe not the first exact moment, but when I first started actually like getting into it in terms of just like I used to call it, speed thinking, where I would I would literally just lay in my bed and I would close my eyes and then I would stay in my head for Hours like it was a legitimate Thing for me, was a kind of a problem for me as well, because I could never focus on anything else, because I was always like, well, I'm like how things are going in my head a lot more than how they're going out here. So I think I think I'm pretty good, you know stuff like that and I like it would be things like, oh, I would have super power, like if I felt like in, if I hold on, let me organize goddamn my brain If it will go off of basically different situations. So like if I wasn't feeling great about myself in a certain situation, or like if someone was mean to me or I got yelled at, something like that. I would think about myself in a situation in which I was strong, where I could take care of myself, where I could handle myself, whether I had superpowers or had extreme confidence or had to be like, you know, when you like Get an argument with someone and it's like later then you think I'm like a comeback or something like that, while you're in the shower. It was like that type of stuff, but like to the next level, you know.
Speaker 1:And so for me that was like something that I was stuck in for the longest time. I'm still stuck in it now, but before it was like really bad, because I had serious problems just being present throughout the day, because I always liked what was happening in my head better, because something that I think you know what that is like. You know in your head you can control the things that happen. You can control your life. You can control the things you do. It's a lot easier than being able to control your outside world and your outside self and and stuff like that. And so for me, it was literally my form just having control and I always felt like I never had control.
Speaker 1:And so when I have this ability to Create whatever story in my head, you know I was especially because I was someone who's very quiet, I was very shy, I was very self-conscious in certain things. I didn't have the greatest self-esteem, I didn't really have that many friends Damn, I'm making myself so really bad, but you know, still honestly got and so I could Go in my head and I could be this very cool person, I can be this very smart person, because I didn't think I was very smart. I could give myself super powers and say, oh, I'm like the best of us all. I never played the superhero. Yeah, I was always super feeling, factual, factual. No, I was always like a. I was an anti hero. I was more like Deadpool than anything you know in my own head and you know it's something.
Speaker 1:It's fun for a while until it becomes like you know, they dream. It's fun. They dream is fun because you can fantasize about different things, and that's where a lot of my scripts come from. You know, I'm a very imaginative and creative person, and so a lot of the stories that I build for film and for writing, they all come from my maladaptive daydreaming spaces.
Speaker 1:Problem is like that, so like wouldn't, wouldn't it benefit me? Like it benefits me like that because it allows me to be creative and my work can come up with, or like think out of the box and stuff like that. However, it's not creative, not creative. It's not helpful or benefiting me when I have to be focusing on school or on a test, or I'm supposed to be focusing on someone's talking to me or something like that, but I'm too busy, stuck into my, stuck in my head about a story that I created a couple hours ago, you know, and so it's very difficult when it's like that and you're, you start to kind of feel like you're losing control of your own mind in a sense, and that was that's when I realized I started becoming like a problem for me and even is now I would say I'm more in control over and I don't. I won't even say I don't do it as much, because I do do it all the time, all day, every day, but I Now I can't even say I've gotten better at it. Could I clear? I'm not as intense as before. I do work on trying to be more present and stuff, but it's always there in the back of my mind. It's something that I'm seriously working on because, you know, allowing the things that I create in my head to Start to begin to affect my life Let me rephrase that, because I feel like I said that wrong I allow things that I create in my head to affect my everyday life, which is something like, for instance, if I'm thinking about something, that's like I'm creating a story right, and the story is just sad, like nothing's going right in it.
Speaker 1:I don't know why I do this. I feel like because I tend to be like a realist whenever I'm creating stories in my head, even if I know like half this stuff will never happen in my life, like, obviously, me having some powers. But I'll sometimes do it because I feel like, well, if I, if I'm creating like realistic, there's elasticity, realistic things in my head or whatever, it makes you feel more real, I guess, and so I will like create something in my head and now that's a sad situation and the next. You know, I'm just all sad. It kind of ruins my mood and stuff like that, and I'm really fully ruined my day. But I can, and in some extreme cases where my day or give me more anxiety and stuff like that, or it makes it very hard for me to focus I'm someone with ADHD who already struggles focusing enough, and when I'm stuck in my head that makes it even worse because I'm like, okay, let me start this assignment. I'm finally, I finally got in myself to start this assignment or this task, and then I can't start it because I'm too busy. Stuck into the storm that I created two days ago that I'm still on the same damn scene because I keep getting distracted and forgetting stuff or doing this is not, you know, and it's very weird. I used to.
Speaker 1:I told my mom the other day, you know I was talking about this not in not in the sense of not that the daydreaming, but just in terms of just mental health and ADHD and stuff like that, and I was like you know, because when you try to explain your mental status to people who aren't going through the same thing just you, it's just very hard for them to understand, it's very hard for them to relate to you or to not pity cuz I don't pity but, just Like I said, just understand or comprehend what I'm going through, when I'm feeling, because they're not going through the same thing either. So they come up with like all these analogies and like, oh, like, think of like You're trying to talk to someone or you're trying to focus on something and, yeah, you someone keeps like ours, for instance. Say, you're trying to focus on a conversation, right, you're talking someone and in two or four other people come up and they start talking to you as well. But so you're trying to focus on the person you were talking to, but then you're like getting distracted by everyone else talking to you. They're on top of that, you have like a TV or a radio playing and you have a brand of people, lots of people running around hitting you, stuff like that. It's like that just in my head. And so I was like, you know, talking to my mom, I was trying to explain stuff to her and I was like, and I was really emotional about it, I was like, imagine your costly living every day, day in a day out in your mind, is your own enemy, you know.
Speaker 1:You know, typically outside factors are our enemy, whether that's, you know, just situations with money or finances or emotions or stuff like that, relationships, and it's like you know, for instance, it's hard, they can't control things, but you can also Control them. It's hard to let, you can try it off, so those things affect you and stuff like that. It's hard when it's your own mind that you can't trust, because it's like it looks like my mind has a mind of its own. It's like it can take its own you know journey and have its own say. And so I'm like I want to do this, I want to focus on this, I want to get this done. In my mind it's like, mmm, but I don't want you to, you know, and so like. Imagine just living every day where you're constantly battling your own head. It's a very hard thing, and that's why we say myself it's real.
Speaker 1:I always hate when people say that it's not hold on tea break, mmm, my tea is cold. Now, that's not great. It's a great tea, it's a black tea, but I Don't like cold tea anyway. And so, yeah, and so I. That's you know why I feel like one of the reasons why I allow myself to get lost in my head, because it's just a lot easier when I You're not telling it's not going right in my everyday life and I'm like, well, I can just go in my head and I can make the situation right there, and it's very helpful in that moment, but it's just prolonging the inevitable and it makes day You're day really hard when you're trying to get things done, you're trying to focus and it's like, but this is so much more fun to do.
Speaker 1:You know, I was in church today and I just started like, cuz I unconsciously do it, like I won't, just, I don't, just like, oh, okay, let me just think about this now. No, I'll be just doing something, and actually, no, I like become lucid and like why am I? I'm over here thinking about something Completely, you know, opposite to whatever I'm doing, and I'm like, when did I even start thinking about this? Like, wouldn't it just, you know, and so, yeah, and so one reason I want to talk about this about because that's one problem that I have always been inside my head another is just Actually just being inside my head, and so it's that would that in which I'll like overthink things or I'll overstress about things I get and it costs me to get like high anxiety and a lot of fear and a lot of stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Because I'll take a situation for instance, my journey with film right and I'm, I love film, I love creating, I love writing and stuff like that. I hardly ever do it unless I have to force myself because I want to. I'll go to start doing it and then in my head I just think, well, how am I ever gonna get there? That's really scary, it's gonna be hard. I'm gonna be faced with a lot of weird people when I ever be good enough. There's so many people out here that's doing it. They could definitely be better than me and always so. You know, sometimes like suck, a self-esteem thing, but at the same time it's like I'll start getting in my head about it and it stresses me out and I am someone who Procrastinates because I'm a void in.
Speaker 1:I avoid the feelings that comes with whatever it is that I have to differences my French class. I love taking French, I love learning French. I haven't taken my classes in like two months because, like a year ago, I had one bad class because I was really tired, I had no idea what was going on and my teacher was. I couldn't understand anything and my teacher was not the greatest about it, you know and because that ever since, ever since that was the whole year ago ever since I have always had such bad anxiety when it comes to my classes and I prefer to like skip them or not take them, I do, I'm paying for these and so I just Procrastinate on taking those classes, and that, because I'm avoiding the feelings that come with it, especially when I'll have anything is. It's where that one bad class or it was a couple of them mainly, I was having a really bad week and I had like two, three classes, but it was just really bad for me. But those three bad classes, I'll wait all the other good classes that I have Constantly.
Speaker 1:I have one class and I think I didn't know anything, like I had no idea what was going on in it, but it was just me and my professor and I'm trying to say like that, I was like at a circle, I was like I have no idea what you just said to me, because the class is completely in France, like there's barely any English spoken, and I just broke English and I was like I don't know what you're talking about. We just had a dime, like it was. You know, I've had so many good classes, especially where I'm like on the roll, I'm knowing things, I'm speaking it, I know more friends than I think. Like it's hard for me to be like, oh, let me just speak some French now, but when I'm there and someone's talking to me, I'm, I'm a lot better at it. But it's crazy how those three negative things completely changed my overall view of my classes.
Speaker 1:I remember when I first started you know, for that first one, two months, maybe three months I was so excited. Every time I want like to take a class, I was so excited, even though I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know what they were saying, I was still learning. I felt really good about myself because I was learning something, you know, and because now I feel like, oh, I should know I, because I've been taking it for a year and this is in that. Then it became something that was just negative for me and so I'm gonna start my French classes again next week, mainly because they just took money out of my count again. Anyway, I don't know, I had an applause and it wasn't. I guess I was on them, but yeah, so now I'm like you know, you think that's God with saying I need to get over my own fear and to get over myself and start taking that French class again. So I'm gonna start taking it next week.
Speaker 1:You know, for instance, the jam I I get in my head about that. I mainly because I'm not, I don't feel like going, I'm, I don't know how to work out, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. This is in that a trainer costs too much money, so I'm not gonna get that which, like you know what, let's just try to make it a tune at times, a week minimum, let's try it out like it's research and write out a little workout plan before I go, and so when I go, I don't have to be like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing and try to look up stuff there. That makes no sense, have everything already prepared and doing stuff like that, you know.
Speaker 1:So, like I allow my, my own fears, I allow the things I have been in my head to terrify me and deter me from Everything else in my life, but also to distract me and I feel like that's, you know, like I said, it's it's my mind, is my enemy, it's my, my, you. What is it that? The devil on your shoulder? He's an angel. I feel like that's the devil on my shoulders Way of just saying, yeah, no, we're gonna mess up your life, instead of the angel on my shoulder. You know, I always love that little. You know, bad guy, good guy type thing, the good guy basically saying no, if you, you have these schools, you have these intentions, let's, let's push through with them.
Speaker 1:You know, and it's like so hard when you, when you want to make Progress, and especially when you feel like you're not making progress, or when you're making a step back, and it's like, christ, is it even worth? You know, I didn't get my head about that. I'm like, is it even worse? Trying with this, or even, you know, putting myself out there because it's only gonna end up bad. That's all that's ever happened. It's like throw girly, let's stop that, you know. So it's like I Get lost in my thoughts and I prefer to live in my thoughts and because I have a fear of, you know, the outside world and stuff like that. You know, it's like creating your own little reality to live in and that's the thing I want to start doing is like, maybe, creating my own reality, where I Obviously not like.
Speaker 1:I'm aware I'm being ignorant in life outside of me, but I'm not just living for the life outside of me that you see so much negative stuff on social media. I just actually deleted tiktok today and I have no intention of ever really downloading it again unless I Contacts not tiktok, that just for me excruly. But I will have my profession. Tiktok, like my podcast, with that I'm. That's not even being screwed on, that's just being posted and stuff like that, which is like because I feel like I need social media to Sure things than me to make me feel better about myself, to make me, oh, like the days pass by if I want to Suddenly pass by girls taking out. You know I want to give into.
Speaker 1:You know, one, I haven't even been reading as much. I've been on the same book for the last two months, you know, and that's so unlike me. I mean all right context. I have been reading on my iPad, but, like we will talk about that, I haven't read in like three weeks though. So so it's not like me and I can feel like I love to read because it's a fun thing for me and I just got so many new books that are Very cool. I got Millie Bobby Brown's new book. I got what is it called? What is your name? Okay, why can't I not remember a name? Hold on, okay, you know me's parks new book, because I've always wanted to. I love her as a speaker and I've always I've always found it interesting. You know, learning on her journey Escaping North Korea and stuff like that's always something I found very inspiring and powerful. So I finally bought the book for that and just stuff like that. Like I bought new books that one you know I am currently reading, one called the anxious achieve revenue that for like three months now, all sorts of productivity book.
Speaker 1:We know it takes me long, but I haven't been putting in myself in a space where I could start reading more books. That'll help me. I just I actually in my suit, was like just so susceptible to Tick-tock and social media. I'm like, well, it's good stuff on there, you know. But I got the like the shadow workbook. That's been like blowing up on tick-tock and stuff like that. And, like I said, I'm like I'm already in this progress where I want to start on this journey and move in a new direction and I've read a lot of reviews on the book itself, not from tick-tock, but from different sources and I got it and I've started reading it. I haven't done it in the workbook part yet, I just literally just been reading the book version of it, which so far has been cool because I'm learning different things in different terminology and I feel like mental health is such a thing that needs to be worked on.
Speaker 1:Regardless of whether you're happy, you're sad, I think it's something that's constantly Evolving. You got to keep working on it because you constantly are evolving, you're constantly changing, and I used to be very big on myself Mentally, so like that, years ago, and then I was like, well, now I'm in a space, I'm kind of over some of my trauma and stuff like that, so I don't have to work on it as hard. But it's like, miss girl, you do you have this constantly stay on top of yourself. You have to constantly stay with yourself because if you're not, you fall back into these holes. What are you gonna do? You know it's. It's easier when you have the tools. You're equipped with the tools you need for if you Are faced with something that's hard and you fall back into a bad space and stuff like that and also preventing bad spaces. You know we cannot prevent the stuff that happens in our life, but we can prevent how we allow that to affect us or probably react to it.
Speaker 1:And if I just don't think that, why I need to practice my mental health or self-care or anything like that because, oh, I dealt with this stuff in my past, the one I have learned, I clearly have not. I have not, but I Want to and I want to move forward, and I can only do that if I equip myself with the necessary tools, whether that's mentally, like through mental health stuff, or through the word of God. Which is something I'm really wanting to get back into is as a Christian person. I for myself, you know, I've struggled with staying consistent with my faith, and not because now, with my faith I've always had my faith but with, like, pursuing my faith in terms of reading the word and engaging in China, you know, make more friends.
Speaker 1:I went to Bible study the other day, which is one reason why I'm not showing myself right now, because my hair is a hot mess, because I just retweeted it and I was leaving my friends Bible study and I went outside, like pouring down, raining was like. It was like maybe around 11 o'clock at night because it started around 8, but we always stick spinning hours just talking and my car was on the all the way on the other side of campus and I had a skateboard through the pouring rain because I needed to get home, because I didn't sign up. Simon that was doing, I was tired and I hate driving while I'm tired, it's very dangerous and it's not a fun experience and so, yeah, but yeah, so I'm just working on just putting myself in spaces and environments where I can just grow as a person you know whether it's more with people who have the same faith and faith as me. I want the same mindset to me and stuff like that, and I have a lot of work that I need to do and I, you know, moving forward and going on these, you know next journeys and this new series that I'm starting. It's my way of allowing you guys to I don't know, maybe come on this journey with me. I feel like we all, in some way, shape or form, need to work on our lives and do better and want to do better in certain situations, but we don't know how to, or we that we feel like well, you know we feel we're like we're alone or like there's no point, but it's like there is a point and we have a long life to live in and hopefully I'll live a very long life, which is still something that's very hard for me to say, because I, for a long time, never thought I would and I never wanted to. So now, because I do want to, it's still very like, mmm, you know, you know, and so you know I I'm ready to take this awesome new journey and I can't wait to talk to you guys, just about different aspects of it. Of course, I'm gonna be keeping pretty much majority of my own things to myself, but talking, you know, about more in the broader aspects and obviously giving a bit more insight. But yeah, so that's all I have for today, which is great because I have to leave for work in 14 minutes and I still my pajamas. But yeah, thank you guys so much for coming on and listening to me today, listening to me Rambo, listening to me talk. I'm very excited for this new series to start. Hopefully I'll be able to give my patreon up by next week so you guys can get your extra two episodes a week for Three I'm gonna say three pound. We are in America. Three US dollars a month. So, yeah, I love you guys. I thank you, my beautiful creatures.
Speaker 1:Make you guys follow me all my social media. Yes, I don't have 25,000 downloads, but I'd like 75 followers on my Instagram. Follow me at, but, like that's on my mind, on Instagram I'm also just started a Twitter, which I like make post. Oh my god, I just got a Twitter, literally just for my podcast. I don't like scroll on it, but I was on it the other day because I was trying to figure out just how to. I've never had a Twitter before like well, I won't say that I had one in the ninth grade for like two days, because for my French costume, I can make a account, twitter and make a post.
Speaker 1:And I made a post about a turtle, a French turtle, and then this one posted about Ant-Man, and we just won't talk about that now. I think I said I was like I wish, and I usually wish the answer wouldn't exist, but then we never have an ant-man was some stupid thing like that. And so I was on the other day trying to figure out how like the app worked and everything. Oh, this is called X now. So sorry. I have someone X now and I just literally I scroll like Once swish, all this stuff just came out like, oh my god, they are whiling on here like what. I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this definitely is not an app for me, but anyway, guys, thank you so much for listening to my podcast. I love you guys. Make sure you guys follow me on my social media. So stay tuned for an updates for the patreon and I will see you guys in the next episode and keep it Tune that, keep in tune. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I make sure it's check out my youtube for actual live not live, but like actual footage of my podcast and stuff like that. I'm very excited to start that with you guys. So I love you. I think you have a great rest of your day, my beautiful creatures, and stay out of your heads. Let's, let's start a new thing. Okay, bye you.