Have you ever felt the crushing weight of expectations? In an honest account of my journey as a creative, I peel back the layers on tackling expectations and juggling perfectionism. I spill all the tea about the trials and triumphs of my college life, and the impact of society's imposed expectations on my self-confidence and identity. Fancy I know!
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Have you ever felt the crushing weight of expectations? In an honest account of my journey as a creative, I peel back the layers on tackling expectations and juggling perfectionism. I spill all the tea about the trials and triumphs of my college life, and the impact of society's imposed expectations on my self-confidence and identity. Fancy I know!
Follow My Socials:
IG: @butlikethatsonmymind
@ashante0419
Tik Tok: @butlikethatsonmymind
@ashanteeaugustine
Hello, my beautiful creatures. How are you guys doing today? Because I'm friggin ecstatic. It's a Sunday, it's a beautiful day to make Stuff, you know? I mean I work in like 20 minutes, but we won't talk about that. Am I ever on time anyway? No, I'm very excited for today's episode.
Speaker 1:It's something that I have been struggling with my whole life and I I think we all struggle with it. I think it's something, especially when you're just One, especially when you're in a creative field. But even if you're like in the STEM field, if you're, you know, a perfection is if you're someone who has ADHD or who has a learning disability or something like that, or anything that you Just do in life or anything that you want to do. We all struggle with having expectations set by ourselves or by other people, and what that means for us, and I thought that this would be a very fun Episode to do because of the fact of I thought it would be very relatable for you guys. You guys know I love giving you guys Relatable content. Okay, so, like I said, today's episode is about defining expectations and what it means for me. So the reason I came up with this episode is because, like I said, it's something I've been struggling with for like the longest time I Am. I am a film major. I am in my last year of college, which is absolutely insane. I feel like I just started and you know I'm about to kind of enter the real world for the first time. And what I mean by that is, you know, I've entered the real world in the sense of, like paying bills, and you know, having that responsibility of every month, you know, a car note to do or insurance to do or something like that, or having to Book my own doctor's appointments. I remember when I used to force my mom to do it because I didn't want to do it myself. And now, hell, I'm a friggin. I practically live at the dentist with these freaking braces, and so it's like it's very interesting, and for me that was even hard within itself.
Speaker 1:I started when I was 18 this is, during COVID and so I hadn't started the college. Well, I was at college. I was at community college because I had early admitted my senior year of high school, just cuz school For one school isn't really for me, but school without a purpose just isn't for me, and so I felt like I had no purpose when I was in high school I was just taking obviously taking classes to finish my high school, but they weren't interesting to me, I, they wasn't helping me out in any way and I just wasn't out of love I feel like I wanted to be at, and so me and my just we both really admitted this way we can get our first year of college done and Get all those you know core classes out of the way. That was the purpose for that, and so when I was 18, I finished my first year of Community college and I enrolled in university and so once I graduated high school and kind of clean, yeah, and so that is where I am now. I'm on my first Year of my last year. That makes no sense. I'm on my first like month of my last year, that's better, my first month on my last year in university.
Speaker 1:And so, while I have experience and different things and I've, you know, I've gone out of country and I've gone to for networking events and I've worked in the industry in certain aspects and with different companies and if, when different people, that it's this is the first time that I really don't have anything like fall back on, you know, when we're in school and it's summertime and then we know okay, I'm going back to school, starting in the fall, that's what we're falling back on. You know I don't have that anymore. You know, once I graduate, that's it. I don't like my, my sister. She's going back to go her master's because that's something that she needs for the career she's going in. I don't. Once I'm done, I'm done, I'm gonna create a field. There is no masters, for my, at least at the school that I go to or most schools that I know of and so I have this like I've always had this big expectation of oh, when I graduate college, I need to be like number one in the industry I need to be working for, with freaking Netflix or the one of Rose and my Korean used to be high in the sky by the time I graduated.
Speaker 1:And for the longest time I used to beat myself up because I was never where I was wanted to be. I was never one at hell. Even now, I feel like I can't even sit there. I feel more where I'm going. I feel like I'm on the right path to where I'm going, especially once I start doing some other things. But for the longest time I beat myself up when I tell you, I merged how I felt about myself with how I felt about my career and things that I was doing in life. It destroyed my self-confidence, myself, esteem and just every part of how I felt about myself so badly. It took years for me to recover that, because I was like, oh, if I'm not creating this type of film and if that film doesn't come out looking Spectacular, then I'm a crap person, I don't matter in this world I'm. This is in that, and I have this big expectation of myself to Impress not only myself but just everybody else and to make everybody else believe that I was on top of myself. I was doing things I was supposed to, because, you know, everyone is always on time to be on top of me. I understand, I'm very grateful for because there are times when I fall behind and I need those, you know, like kicking the bus, like egg, get your stuff together, you know. But because of that, because I've had to have that happen many times over the years, I Feel now like I have to prove that I'm on top of myself, prove that I'm doing the right thing or the thing that I'm supposed to be doing, and stuff like that, and so for me that took a lot of the creativity out of my field.
Speaker 1:For myself and my passion for the longest time I'm, writing and filmmaking was just a passion of mine and it was just something fun that I did while I was in high school. It was like a side thing. I loved it. I made like little short films that were like extremely, really, really, really shitty and stuff like that. I was so proud of them, just because I was like, yeah, I made this thing, you know. And then once I started setting that expectation for myself that everything I made had to be good, I trapped myself.
Speaker 1:I guess you could say, you know, with the writing not so much. I still enjoy writing, but I don't write as much as I would love to because I feel like it's more of a career thing now versus a passion thing. And for me, when it's something I feel like I have to do and I actually I saw this TikTok last night and it was this girl who was saying people, most people, but also just people with A-day-Z especially, you know we're not considered. We don't wanna say that we're lazy people because we're not. You know, when we procrastinate like we're not procrastinating because we're lazy, we're procrastinating because we're avoided. And being lazy and being avoided is two separate things. You know, when I'm being avoided, it's because of the fact that I don't, like I'm avoiding the feelings associated with doing that task Like I really want.
Speaker 1:Half the time when I'm not doing something is not cause I don't wanna do it. I really, really, really wanna do it. I wanna get those tasks that I wanna be able to get those things done, but I hate the feeling that comes with it. I hate the feeling of perfectionism that comes with it. I hate the feeling that I'm not doing enough or that I'm not enough. That comes with it. You know it's the worst, and so I'd rather not do the things that I wanna do, cause I don't wanna have to feel those things. And that's kinda how it is with me when it comes to writing or even with film.
Speaker 1:You know, from once I started putting that pressure on myself around 16 years old. You know I started when I was 15, I started putting that pressure on me around when I was 16 because once my family knew, oh, this is what you wanna do, that's all I heard, like it wasn't. Oh, this isn't something fun for me anymore. It was like you know it was oh, this is what you wanna do, this is what you want to do. So you have to do this or you have to do this. You have to do this. Oh, do this, shoot this for me, because this is your career, this is what you wanna do. I get that. I know that's what I wanna do, but I don't wanna hear that every day of my life.
Speaker 1:You know, I wanted to be something that I enjoy, and it became something that was, I wanna say, put against me, cause it wasn't, in a way, but at the same time, it was kind of held over my head, like, well, this is what you wanna do, so you gotta do this, to do this. And I'm like, well, I don't wanna do that, but whatever. And so I felt like I had to be perfect at it. I felt like I had to eventually do it because other people wanted me to do it. You know, and when you're doing something that you love for the sake of other people, it takes away what you love about it.
Speaker 1:You know, for me it was a way to express myself, a way to put myself out there, because I was someone at the time who was very shy, who didn't have many friends who didn't know how to express herself or communicate or talk, and so my way to do that was through my writing and through film, and it became something that was done because everyone else told me that I had to. I just I couldn't do it anymore, you know. And so for a year I beat myself up because I still worked in the industry and I said the other stuff for other people, but I would never I would I would say I would never work on my own stuff. I just would never show the stuff I was working on because I didn't believe it was good enough. And I'm still kind of this way till now.
Speaker 1:You know, I will film stuff and I'm very proud of the things that I film, but I have no idea what it looks like, cause I refuse to edit them, cause if I edit them like oh, I paint all that hard work and I have that much hope that it'll come out good, and it doesn't come out good, then I feel like I'm just disappointed in myself and stuff like that, and it's kind of that constant repeat of doubt and fear of failing what I've expected of myself, you know. And so something that I've been trying to do lately is, and it's after talking to my friend Charlize, and she was saying you know like, why don't you just try, instead of making something of your own, try taking like different things that you like from different films and recreating like that scene? And so I will be doing that for like the first time this week. I wanted to do it last week, but then I realized that I was. I planned my, then it's disappointing for the wrong day, and so the day I was supposed to be filming, I had to get surgery on my mouth, which is like literally like a three to four hour process. It took fucking forever. It was terrible, anyway, yeah, and so I decided I'm gonna do that this week I start school on campus. I've been on like online for like the last month, and so I started school on campus.
Speaker 1:And one thing that I really wanna try this year is getting all A's. I've maybe only got a couple of A's within my entire college career, and that should be because, like I said, school isn't for me. Like I was the film class. I'm good in that area, but if it's not, if it's a writing, I we're not even gonna talk about that, and so we're not gonna talk about this first class that I just had, that we won't talk about that. So my next class is I'm gonna get all A's. I promise Whoa, no, but yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I decided that I'm going to do a scene from euphoria the one where Rue was apologizing to Ali, and Season two. I thought I really love the cinematography just on that scene. I love the lighting and how it's all set up, and I feel like I can recreate that, just because, sure, I think that I have, like this set kind of already built, I guess you could say, just because it's my kitchen and it kind of looks the same. Um, not really, but yeah and so yeah, and I should just like just do that and just practice doing that multiple times. Once you start getting better at those, then you can go off and ensure your own things however you want. And I really like that because I feel like it takes the pressure off from my own thing to have to be perfect, because it's not my own thing, it's something that I'm recreating. So if it's not exactly, then that's okay, because I'm not. You know, I don't have the same camera, I don't have the same lights, I don't have the same, you know, I don't know how they did it.
Speaker 1:I'm just going based off of what I've seen, you know, and for me I feel like doing that more time in allowing myself to also just make mistakes, and I have to like decondition my mind and really change my mindset because the way I've groomed myself for so long to not Believe in myself, to have this like self-hate yourself, you know it's so deeply in there and while I've had so much growth over this over the years and you know especially really things to therapy like I said that when I was 15 and that has such a huge, dramatic change in my life. It's insane. I highly recommend, if you Need to talk to someone, do therapy. It's freaking amazing. And so I Try to incorporate that within my life as a filmmaker and as a writer and in trying to reshape my mind with those. It's it's hard work and it's constant and I honestly need to put in even more work, like I kind of constantly re-up myself with it.
Speaker 1:But I've I've tried doing it in my personal life as well. For instance, I well you know, I Started trying to learn a new language. I've been learning French since November. I don't know a look of it, but I'm still trying. And even with that, I had to be with that too, because I got to take these online classes on Lingoda and I haven't had my classes, and maybe about Since the beginning of August, just because so I started in my French class at the end of August so I didn't want to take a bullet at the same time, and then before that it was just because I was traveling, and so I Don't like taking those classes when I travel because it's just conflicts in my schedule, because I never know what I'm doing. I have to set the schedule and spang yeah, yeah, but anyway, I also am avoiding those classes because there was just one Period of time where I was.
Speaker 1:I was very stressed with school and work. I was not sleeping, I wasn't eating, I wasn't doing a lot, and so I was like really messed up in the mind Just because I was trying to focus on one too many things, and so when I was taking those classes, I was one. You are learning a language. It's late, friends, it's hard. When you are learning a language, you have no idea what they're speaking about. Don't do it while you're tired, because your mind Nothing's gonna process.
Speaker 1:And I had this one professor who was just a. He was out, he was in douchebag, but he also wasn't like no, he was a douchebag kind of you know, and I'm in the class with other people and I'm not someone who gets embarrassed easily, but it's, it's for me. I only get embarrassed when I'm insecure about something. Already you know, and it's only in there. Very, I want to do very few things, but there are very few things that actually like insecure about in the sense when if someone makes fun of me, for then I would like I don't really like that. It's only I only get embarrassed if I agree with you. That's what I'll say. And so I, you know, struggling already, just Mind-wise, because I was, there's a lot going on and I'm really trying these classes. I'm actually I enjoy my friends classes so much.
Speaker 1:When I first started, I I was so happy I was learning a new language and after that one class you know he was because I just couldn't pay attention I was struggling to understand what he was saying and something like that in the classes, completely in French, like there's no English, they barely speak any English, unless you seriously like, hey, I really don't know what you're saying. Keep, he's talking in English. And he was kind of a douchebag in front of my entire class and it was like I just kind of it, kind of like I'm Blown to myself confidence when it came to learning that language, because I was putting myself out there and it's hard for me to learn things like that just because my mind doesn't process in the way others do. And so since then I have such anxiety when it comes to my classes that for like a long period of time I'll freak out so bad I'll just cancel the class, which is like 20 bucks per class, that I'm wasting and I'm like I don't care, I can't do this right now, I can't go through it again, I don't want to do this and, yeah, it's like the longest time it was like that and I'm gonna try again. I'm going to start again, preferably next week, just because I have to book the classes like a week in advance, and hopefully I'll be able to Get myself out of my set and I'll be able to enjoy the classes once again, cuz I genuinely do want to know French and I will have been doing it for a year in two months, and I want to at least be able to have like a conversation with someone which I can have a somewhat of a conversation. I'm not gonna say I don't know anything, you know. If you speak to me I'll understand somewhat of your, what you're saying. But Semantics I've also, like I talked about in my previous episodes on my apropos cats and Spotify, where I've said I've been, you know, taking on different hobbies.
Speaker 1:For instance, I've started crocheting. I I've started playing ukulele, which I've been playing for about almost a year now. Wait, I still suck. I only know how to play reptile and I suck at that, but I enjoy playing it. I'm great at crocheting. I've gotten so much better. I've been doing it for a couple weeks and I've had so much product. It's insane.
Speaker 1:I I've started rock climbing. I had my first class last week bruised. I won't say I bruised it. I clipped the hell out of my Hand right here because I was belaying my sister when she, when she, got into the floor. Well, she got smudged from the floor. I lifted my arm up in my hand pulled and got caught into my belay class and so she's been a little sore lately. But yeah, and so I'm just been doing stuff like that. I need to catch my gym membership. So I just remember that because they take a good route out of my account. I signed up like two months ago and I've gone three times.
Speaker 1:I'm just not a person who works out, no, but yeah, I'm trying different things to take myself out of the mindset that I only need to be doing film. If I'm not, they're working on school or film or something else. I'm not doing the right thing. I want to be more you know, out and open into the world. Especially because this is going to be my last year. I want to go into, you know, the real world, being open.
Speaker 1:If I'm not completely working in the industry, I don't want to hate myself, for, you know, I don't know what my life is going to be like once I graduate. I don't know if I'm going to be working on big set, I don't know what I'm going to be doing, and so I want to be able to enjoy just living life outside of film and writing, because I feel like if those are my only two things in my life, I'm going to be so focused on them and say if I got from bed I lose those things, I'm not able to do those things anymore. I'm not. I'm not going to know who I am as a person and I don't want that, and I feel like you know how do I fix what's wrong with me? And sends them my perfectionism and my pocket change and my expectations of myself. And that's by one understanding that everyone makes mistakes, I can make mistakes. I'm a freaking human. I don't have to be so laser focused on what I want everybody else to think of me and just enjoying.
Speaker 1:You know why did I start filmmaking in the first place? Why did I start writing the first place? I started because it was my way of being able to communicate with myself. You know, a lot of stuff that I write about especially if I'm writing like a long film is typically like sci-fi, dystopian stuff like that, and that's just because those are the films I love to watch. When I write something short, I am never able to think about it in a way of doing sci-fi which I would love to start doing but I always think of it in the terms of myself.
Speaker 1:I write things about mental health and stuff like that. I write the things that I'm struggling with, but I don't know how to express to anybody else, and so when I read it I'm like, well, that makes sense, I'm struggling with this thing, no matter. That's why I'm writing about that said thing, and so that's kind of like my plan is just to one, give myself time to understand. You know, it's okay to just well, it's okay to do nothing. That's why I have like my Saturdays fricking. All yesterday, I quite literally just like slept all day on TikTok all day and played Harry Potter Legacy all day, and it was quite wonderful.
Speaker 1:I did stress out a bunch. I'm like, why did I be doing this, this and that, which I would do every single Saturday? Because, like, I have my Saturdays off so that I can specifically do nothing, so that, you know, it's like my reset throughout the week. But I always stress myself out because I'm like, well, I'm doing nothing, but I have this whole list of things to do and yeah, so that's something I got to work on, but also, just, you know, enjoying my life more in. Just you know, for one thing, I stress over everything and I don't need to. That's one thing I realized.
Speaker 1:I was like, bro, you really be stressing over stuff and like why it just makes no sense. You know, like I remember one time I was at work and I would just I had some anxiety and I know I just stopped for a second. I was like, okay, why do I feel like this? Why do I feel stressed? And I was like, I don't know, I don't have any reason to, but I feel like being stressed is my constant state of being, so it's what I'm comfortable with. So I'm just always stressed because of that, and that's not a good thing.
Speaker 1:And so it's like I feel like if I'm able to enjoy my life more outside of my work, when I'm doing my work, and I'll feel a lot more confident. I'll feel like I don't have to avoid those things. I'm just doing the more and tackling it head first so that I don't get overweight, because that's the only reason I procrastinate, because I always want to do the stuff that I have to do. I love being productive, I love getting stuff done, but I hate the feelings associated with it, because I'm like it has to be perfect, it has to be this, this and that, and I'm like I hate that. So much, you know. And so it's like I'm hoping by the end of the year I will have made great progress in this. It's a very long journey.
Speaker 1:Self-care and self-love and self-help it's a very long journey. It's something I've been doing for years. But this is, I feel, like a new chapter that I'm entering into, where I'll be able to really hone my creative skills when I stop holding myself back, because I've held myself back for years and I know the things that I can do, and that's why I'm taking on more things, when it comes to film, that I don't really want to, in the sense of I don't feel comfortable with it, just because I don't feel like I can do them. That's another thing. I'm so self-doubtful of myself. I'm like I don't think I can do something. I'm smart enough or I'll be able to figure it out on my own. I'm like girl, yes, you can, you're smart as hell. And I'd be surprising myself so much because I'll be thinking I can't do something and I'll do that exact thing. Once I shut off that thought, I'll just go and do it, just just to prove to myself that I can. And I'm like, huh, look at that.
Speaker 1:Like I didn't think I was so stressed about France, thinking that I wouldn't be able to talk to people, thinking that I wouldn't, you know, know what to say, I wouldn't know how to have a conversation, because I suck at small talk when I tell you I went to that festival and I have people who knew my names. The moment I walked this in the room they would wave me over like hey, I'm going to introduce you to somebody. Like tell me, that's not awesome. Tell me, that's not awesome. That's after one week of being there. I would go to parties and I would see people I recognized. They would come up to me to start conversation and I was great at it. I got contacts.
Speaker 1:I quite literally have a friend now who I met in France. She lives out in LA, she's a writer and we send each other our scripts back and forth to get each other's feedback. I met a woman. I now have an internship with her doing the thing I've always wanted to do, ever since I started writing, which is being a script reader. I've always wanted to be a script reader. It's kind of hard to get into if you don't have experience and, yeah, here I am getting experience and because, well, it's not paid, it is an internship, but it's wonderful because I'm able to register that with my school so that I can get the credit that I need to graduate.
Speaker 1:Like you know, I did these things and I that I didn't think I'll be able to do and they had such great results. So it's like I need to take that confidence. I need to work on having that, you know, built within myself so when the time comes for me to really show my hand, I can show both, you know, and I'm very, very excited for that. You know, I feel like I set myself up for failure sometimes because I'll take on some things and I'll crumble. But it's like I need to start setting myself up for success, thinking of the things that I'm setting myself up for as risk, and if I fail, that's okay, I'm gonna stand up and I'm gonna do it again, because that's really what life is.
Speaker 1:It's about constantly failing, constantly making mistakes and knowing you can just start over. Not everything is finalized, not everything you know has to stay the way it is. Life is constantly changing. That's something that might therapist. So to me she's like just because you want something today doesn't mean you'll want the same thing tomorrow, or five years, ten years, 20 years.
Speaker 1:And also something I had to remember you know, I set the expectation for myself that, coming out of college, I had to be this big filmmaker, I had to be this big writer, this big actor, this big this, this and that. Spielberg, tarantino, what the hell's the name? Rich guy, richie, uh. David Fincher all of those directors who I look up to, whose films I love to watch they didn't really get big in the industry. They, their films, didn't blow up, so they were late 20s, early 30s, like 29, 30, 31, 30, 30 before the device, stuff like that.
Speaker 1:So, like I have my, I have. I'm 20 years old. I have an entire decade of building myself to do and having fun and and creating whatever I want. Before I gotta start creating those really big things and not saying that I won't get big earlier or I won't get big later, but it's like I need to get myself out of this bubble. Oh, my god, I'm slight. I need to get myself out of this bubble that I have to have everything. Now. I have hopefully, if I'm lucky, you know, 60 years more of life to live and I don't need to live all of it right now, which is something for me I never imagined living past like 20 years old, just because, you know, grown mentally was not there growing up. But because of that, because I did have those thoughts constantly and because I never saw myself getting older, I never Thought about what my life would be like, and so it's very hard for me to see past that because for the longest time I didn't. And so, with that being said, it's like I have to really just like change the mindset.
Speaker 1:And you know, I started reading a book, you know, about anxiety, and it's a book called the ancient achiever. I'm looking at the title name that often named Aaron Mel. I Feel like I'm not Saying that correctly, but yeah, and I almost someone I cannot read a productivity book to save my frickin life. I don't enjoy them. I know I don't enjoy them. It's just I take forever to read them and I've been reading for like over a month now, but I'm still reading it and I'm just going to just, you know, spend my days doing what I can to just enjoy my days.
Speaker 1:You know there are, you know I hate doing this, but you know there are people out there who are experiencing worse than me, who don't think that have the things that I have, and you know I hate doing that because that was always used to kind of get to me growing up to be like, oh well, you shouldn't be upset about this thing, because there are people who have words and just like, don't devalue my feelings just because there are people out there who are experiencing worse. You know, we all go through our own things, but at the same time, there are people out there who are experiencing other things than me or who who do have life hardly me. I'm very, very fortunate in my life, and so I need to be grateful for what I have and not like not validate my feelings but at the same time, understand. You know, I am very grateful to be where I am. I'm grateful to have the family that I have, the support system that I have, the financial system that I have.
Speaker 1:Obviously, I just was very different from how I was two years ago. I was struggling severely and I wasn't eating because I never had money, but Now I know how to manage my finances. I know how to do things and and save up and stuff like that. You know, is it easy? No, this is stressful, quite literally, but I don't need to let that all define me. I don't need to let all the bad things in my life or the bad things in my head or my expectations from everybody else or myself Define who I am and make me hate myself as a person. I, quite frankly, love myself I'm.
Speaker 1:I personally think I'm very funny. I don't know what charismatic is. I feel like it goes well with my senses. I'm very funny, I'm charismatic. I feel like that's charming, I know. But I'm very creative, I'm goofy and I'm weird and I Can make a party fun, which I know for a freaking fact because I went to my friend's birthday party and like there was that nobody was dancing, nobody singing, so I started getting a little, doing my little weird moves and later they I can't really like bro, thank you so much because you're live enough the part I'm like you're welcome. I can't help it. I'm freaking amazing. No, I've started watching the nanny and now I can't stop doing her laugh like her, her gesture, she's like she missed a shop dance, yeah, but yeah, I have to go to. I could literally leave for work in three minutes.
Speaker 1:So we're gonna wrap this up, but I Thank you guys for coming on and watching me. Um, I hope you guys take something away from this. We all go through the same things in the. At the end of the day, we all have, you know, not one of our thoughts are ever original. We all experience the same life in one way, shape or form. And so one, be grateful for the things you have and don't Not validate yourself For things you don't have in the way you are, and don't live up to the expectations of others or even live up to the Accuracy of yourself if those are unhealthy expectations. And so, yeah, thank you guys so much for coming on to my patreon.
Speaker 1:I'm very excited for all the future speech speech episodes I have for you guys, and make sure you guys check out my episode dropping on. I believe it's the 20th. Whatever the Wednesday after the 18th is, that's the 20th. Yeah, make sure you guys check that. Check out that episode, because that's a fun one that I'm doing. Where am I the asshole? With my best friend Charlie's while we build Legos. I.