What happens when the worlds of filmmaking and personal life intersect? From crafting baby blankets to navigating relationships in our 20s, this episode is an exploration of those intersections. Join me as I share my experiences of freelancing in the film industry, the challenges of dealing with a controlling professor in film school, and the joys of working on my own projects.
This weeks episode is juicy.The tea is spilled!
Check out my Patreon on September 18th @ 3pm EST.
IG: @butlikethatsobmymind
@ashantee0419
Tik Tok: @butlikethatsobmymind
@ashanteeaugustine
What happens when the worlds of filmmaking and personal life intersect? From crafting baby blankets to navigating relationships in our 20s, this episode is an exploration of those intersections. Join me as I share my experiences of freelancing in the film industry, the challenges of dealing with a controlling professor in film school, and the joys of working on my own projects.
This weeks episode is juicy.The tea is spilled!
Check out my Patreon on September 18th @ 3pm EST.
IG: @butlikethatsobmymind
@ashantee0419
Tik Tok: @butlikethatsobmymind
@ashanteeaugustine
Hello, my beautiful creatures. How are you guys, my wonderful, god damn? I, okay, I'm currently. What did I just do? I'm sorry. I'm currently Making a baby blanket for my nephew saw he will be born Next week. That's a lie. He'd be born in like three weeks, maybe four, I think, I don't know somewhere in October and it's currently September, so I'll say a couple of weeks.
Speaker 1:And so I had the thing I talked about before where I had, like, started when I first had a crocheting, which is like a couple weeks ago, I had started this whole baby blanket for him, and then halfway through I was a halfway like a quad of a way through I realized that the material, like the few yarn, I was using, wasn't soft enough for him and I was like, okay, we're gonna change this. So now I'm starting over from scratch with a new set of yarn I freaking bought, because I'm currently making myself a blanket which, like it's fun, I enjoy crocheting. It's, you know, a very nice hobby for me to have. But, like I, you know, I'm making this blanket in the today. I'm just thinking why did I choose to do this? Why was this a hobby that I choose to do? Why I love it? I'm like, oh my god, I want this one to be done already. I also decided to make it the blanket the size of me and I'm five four, so like that was also kind of my mistake. But yeah, anyway, welcome to today's episode.
Speaker 1:I, freakin, I have had a wonderful day. You don't know why I've had a wonderful day because I've laid in bed and I've done absolutely Nothing. Today's a Monday, right? Today's a Monday, it's my podcast day. It's the day I do all myself, my podcast. Today, I do all my writing, another work and score. Oh my god, I have schoolwork. Oh Damn, I forgot about that. So I mentioned it. Oh, you know, it's the day I'm supposed to do my schoolwork, but I typically will keep like one day of the week where I don't do any work. Why? I just relax all day. I play video games all day, I watch TV all day. I crochet all day, I think my ukulele. All day I do whatever I want. I want a little hard desires, but in that age typically, you know, saturday is you know. However, I've started freelance work. Well, I was, I started because I've done it for a while, but like I haven't like actually been like doing it as much like I'll have a job, like here and there. I've had a couple did this summer and stuff, and so I'm working on becoming, you know, getting more jobs and stuff like that you don't support myself.
Speaker 1:I was on the filmmaker in films by love and I have so much fun when I'm doing it in those stressful as hell and it's really draining. It's like one of the best things that I can do. And so I shot a wedding this past Saturday and it was so much fun. It's absolutely wonderful. I got to use two cameras that are more expensive than well me that I was able to Borrow from a friend that have my own camera and I use that one as well. But this one was the Sony cinema line FX3 Three, three hundred dollar camera. I use two of them with a DJI Gimbal. You know I have my own DJI and I use that one. I also use the one there that I brought from my friend because I was like a thousand dollars is my four hundred, oh, and it was just so luxurious. I just like, huh, how am I still to have money? But no, so that I had so much fun doing it was very, very cool. It's not my first wedding I've done I mean definitely will be my last and definitely want to start getting more into Wedding videography, because not only one can I make money off of it. It's just so fun being able to take a very, very special day in someone's life and tell a story with it. That's like one of my favorite things to do is take normal things and creating a very beautiful story with it. So I'm very excited to start editing in that, even though I don't really enjoy editing, I'm trying to get over my like hatred for it. And the reason I hate editing, if you guys were wondering, is because I don't know, it's absolutely global or not, whatever.
Speaker 1:When I was 15, my first ever freelance job as was as an editor for strip club and I used to edit all their promotional videos. And You're 15 years old, like I'm gay, but like I'm not. That I did not want to see. Ask every five seconds. And I'm telling you I'm editing this for like hours, like one video to communicate, like seven hours and I submit it and they want to change a couple of things and I'm like, oh my god, which I can't get me out, whatever. But long story short, I freaking hated it for a year. That was like the worst. I honestly dreaded it, just cuz you know, I want to tell stories. I don't want to Promote stuff that I don't even enjoy, and so, yeah, that was not exactly fine.
Speaker 1:So I'm trying to get over my like dense, extreme dislike, which is why my family's always like, oh, you're always shooting stuff, but we never see. It is like I never edit it. I should stop. I never edit. I have short films that I've made, that I've like, I've clipped them together, but that's as far as I'll get before I'm like I'm tired of this goddamn thing. So for my editors out there, I truly admire you because you are absolutely freaking Gold money or wonderful, and keep being you, but no, yeah. So one thing I've been very much enjoying lately is I've started my new internship with a company out in LA and and well, yes, we're having this strike right now and obviously can't be making anything, we're still being sent scripts and stuff like that, and it's still our job to Read the scripts and write coverages on them, which is what my job is and I if.
Speaker 1:For those who don't know what coverage is, it's basically a book report. You're essentially reading the script and I'm writing One. What the scripts about I'm writing my thoughts on is. I'm giving my comments just about the structure, the writing, the dialogue, stuff like that, and I'm giving my thoughts on whether I think this script deserves to be passed on, like they shouldn't read it, or if it's something that a producer should read. And I essentially my job is very important because it's like if a production company is sent Thousands of scripts per year, they obviously like that's like a couple of people. They can't go through them by themselves. They you know that's just wasting time. So they have people like me who go ahead and read the scripts and determine, okay, is this is good enough for you to even consider, to even think about Reading yourself? And if it is, I'll say consider with like reservations and I only twice so far I would like this film needs to be made like.
Speaker 1:This script is gold mine and I read one yesterday that I didn't have to write the coverage for but they just wanted my thoughts on. I still wrote like a complete Pay work page worth of just notes, because I was so in love with this script that I Balled my absolute eyes out like I saw it was so good. I Hopefully, when the strike gets over, they read it and they can get it made, because it is a story that needs to be social Dwell and, oh my god, I keep freaking, not in my yarn. So anyway, something for me is I was untherapy today and I was talking to my therapist and you know saying you know I've read the script last night. I can't tell what the scripts about, just because I signed it in the a and I'll. Obviously, you know it's not my script, I can't share stories like that. But I was pretty much just telling her about how I led this amazing script and I actually loved it.
Speaker 1:And you know, for me I started off as a screenwriter. That was my first thing that I started with doing before I even decided I wanted to get into film. I always enjoyed writing little stories and stuff like that. Writing scripts I was my favorite thing to do is my passion when I was in you know Fresh me here in high school and I was like this is kind of what I want to do, like it was just, it was an outlet for me. It's just because I was someone growing up I was very shy, extremely integrated, because you know my sister's very Extraverted and it's obviously if you have one, you gotta have the other. No, but Because I was very shy and I live in the world of books and if I'm far worse than I was back then, I Didn't. I've read a lot, but not as much as I do now, but this has a point. But yeah, so I always enjoyed being able to create my own story, because I just love reading them so much. And so it was just I used to just write whenever I could.
Speaker 1:I I wrote so many things, I would think, because I was writing by hand to like I wouldn't even write them on a computer. Like I have so many pages of the scripts that I've written by hand, that the structure and everything. And once I decided, you know, this will be my career and you know, as I got older and now that I'm in college for it and so like that, and I was like kind of required of me and it's my job now and it's like it's. I've lost not Not enough past. Work is still one of my favorite things to do, but I've lost that drive to just do it because I love it. But now I feel like I have to do it because I have to, because it's my job and it's what I'm being told, that this is what I should be doing, which I get. It's my job.
Speaker 1:Obviously, I should be doing it, but at the same time, it's like I loved it when it was just an outlet for me, about when I, you know, I didn't have to force myself to write. I was just what I'm finding myself having to do these days when I'm like I'm gonna work you on a feature script and I'm like I find myself having to like write down hey, we're gonna see, you have worked on it in days, you gotta get some work done, progress for it which is like understandable, but at the same time, is like before, I just did it all the time because it was something else fun for me, there was no pressure surrounding it, there was just openness and Just creativity for me. And so I was talking with my therapist today and I was like I want that to be how it is again, even with film, and I first started with them. It was something for me that was just, like I said, an outlet. It was Something to let my creative juices fly. And now, because it's something that I have to go for school, or just because I feel like I need To show that I'm, show my work, a show that I'm constantly making something. It's I don't. I don't enjoy it, but I'm not as inclined to do it as much because I feel like there's just so much pressure.
Speaker 1:And one thing I made the mistake of doing was I put who I was onto my passions in my career. But and what I mean by that is Basically like I'm like if I write this script and if I make this film and if it comes out good only if it comes out good I'm a good person. Like those. I was literally my for years. For like four years I was my whole entire mindset like oh, if this isn't good, if I can't make this script, I'm a failure, I'm a loser, I'm not ever gonna amount to anything like. It was that bad. And I'm just now starting to shift my mindset from that and what I tell you.
Speaker 1:It's been five years that I've been doing film and Screenwriting and I'm just now getting to the point where it's like it doesn't have to be a bad thing, it doesn't have to be a pressure thing. I'm doing this because I love it, because I want to, and for the longest time, like I must not really love. I must not really love writing. This must not be my passion because I would have to force myself to try to get things done. So that one that's just because I Struggle with that type of thing was changing thing on top of things with being consistent with type of things, something that was something that I've learned through research and therapy and talking with different mental professionals. That that's a symptom of having ADHD is just very hard, which is why school was hard for me at why I I love school and I love getting the grades and I love trying really hard.
Speaker 1:I always had to try, like I said, try really hard to stay on how myself, to be trying to get things done, and that's just because that's just how my mind is, bill. It has nothing to do with who I am or whether or not I love something or not. And so that was something I've really been working on, and something my friend suggested to me was just like you know, because I put so much pressure on creating things that I myself like thought of and stuff like that, she was like, why don't you just try choosing a scene? I think you made? We did this one thing in class. It's like an assignment, but yeah, why don't you choose a scene from like a TV show or a movie? It's really creative. Just so you could if you heard that that was my eye, not my, I put my laptop going off.
Speaker 1:Basically, my friends are currently making fun of me in the crew chat, so we're gonna ignore that Because I've been made us sent this like I Forget what I said I saw. Apparently I sound like the guy from what is that TV show called? Oh my god, I can't really call the one on, not on a delt swim, but like it was before adults and came out like Rick and more now I can already not. Oh my god. The one with like the bird blue guy and the gumball machine and and and and like the raccoon person I can't really is what the show is called. But they said I said I said I'm like one guy over there, but that's the point. I'm gonna be shocked. It Damn it. I got a strike that I don't remember where I was, the girls of where I was, just that.
Speaker 1:Oh yes, so she's basically like choose, you know, a scene from a movie or a show and just recreate that so you can just focus on Delighting and the cinematic portion of it and not necessarily on the pressure of it has to be good or not, or else if it's bad, then it's gonna. I'm it's me saying that I'm a bad filmmaker, I'm back Creatively and stuff like that, and so that's something that I'm doing this week that I'm really excited for. I'm drawing to school tomorrow so I could rent out some equipment that I don't have, because I don't really have any lights, because I, like, I don't need, broke the only lights that I had because I didn't have sandbags on my arm. My lighting stands and they fell in like Shattered and that was like absolutely terrible because they were really high, and so you know that was on me. I also didn't have sandbags at the time because, you know, soon a filmmaker does. Sometimes we don't have stuff besides the point, and so yeah, so I'm really really excited to try that. I think it's gonna be very interesting.
Speaker 1:I decided I chose a scene from Euphoria because I love that show and I may not like Sam Lovelace because the man is fucking weird, but I got him. He is Incredible when it comes to cinematography and lighting. I got, I got to get what's up, and so so I also is actually going to show. Anyway, I chose a scene where in season two, it was after Ru, when she started getting sober again after you know that whole thing with LA and Jules and all that, and she was apologizing to Ali on the phone. And I just love that scene number one. But I just love the lighting of it and it's. It's very simple, but it's very elegant and it's not I won't say it's easy to do and so I've been thinking about how I can do it and figure out a way to recreate that scene. I'm probably not going to be.
Speaker 1:The acting portion is just shooting the shots, because I, I, I, I enjoy acting. I'm not great at it at all and so I'm going to attempt that. I will attempt it. But just because I attempted doesn't mean something you guys will ever, ever see. You know, you know.
Speaker 1:No, I went to a film panel the other day because my brother and his wife, my sister-in-law, they're both filmmakers, and so they were there speaking on the panel and there was this one guy. He was speaking on there and something he said was like never show your first work, because obviously it's not going to be good and you don't like that when you show that. That to be what everyone thinks you can do. Obviously, you are going to grow and your first work isn't going to be good. So if you show them there, I'm like, oh well, she's not that great.
Speaker 1:You know, just in that, and I Think in that, really leavening me because I always feel like I have to find me something, I have to show people, not even that I want to show people. I have to show people so it can make a scene. Yeah, I am doing stuff with them. I'm not just fumbling around and doing nothing, like I'm constantly on myself and it's like, no, I don't, I make so all the time, but I just don't ever want to show anybody that. And so it just feels and seems like I'm not doing a lot or enough because I don't show anyone the stuff that I do.
Speaker 1:Obviously, as a filmmaker, you have to get critiqued and you have to. You know, do put your work out there. But my whole thing is, if I feel like the work's not good enough, I'm not going to put it out there for people to see, because then it changes how They'll see my films. You know what I mean. And that was one cool thing that I took away and I was able to speak with him afterwards, because he was talking about Mentorships and you know his prerequisites for that and what he feels like you know Someone should need or have done before they can consider. Or you think about wanting to ask someone to be their mentor, which you know obviously makes good sense. And so I really want to start working on Having more fun with film and not tying it to one my personality but to to my career in general.
Speaker 1:Obviously my career is fun film, which is why you know one of my main reasons for starting freelancing. Beside the point that I actually need money, you know not everyone can be as rich as half the kids in my school, but I do go to a private school and international school, so that makes sense, um, but yeah. And so I want the things that I made to just be fun films that I can just Enjoy and watch in my freelance, and so I still feel like I'm, you know, doing stuff. For like everyone in my life who thinks you know I, they need to be Watching me, can see, oh, she did this, you, she did this, this and that, but they don't have to see this.
Speaker 1:I've got like short films for me, or my goal, and not not goal, but like Films, I guess I should say or or my goals, and that's my dreams and my passions. I love shooting weddings and I don't I'm not trying to be the video. I don't necessarily want to, I don't, I'm trying, I'm open to it, I want to, but you know I'm going, um, telling a story narratively and Cinematically and through a short film or a feature is Ultimately the end goal in what I want to do. And you know, I'm starting my production company and that's gonna be very exciting where I put out and produce my own work, because I don't, I don't, I don't mess with Hollywood.
Speaker 1:I'm not even gonna lie to you like I want to create my own Hollywood. I'm gonna create my own thing where I don't have to go through these creeps, like can we talk about that actor cushion and me look in this stuff right now? Like I don't know much about it. I'm not gonna lie to you because I don't spend too much time on social media. Um, I've just started watching to talk again, which I really, really shouldn't, because it takes too much time out of my days and it's not different in mind. But I've just something my like family hasn't talking about, a bit I'm supposed to send to my sister works with, you know, wanting to end human traffic and and something. That's what she's been talking to me A lot about it and I think the whole thing is just wild and another reason why I don't trust Hollywood I don't necessarily want to be a part of like air quotes Hollywood.
Speaker 1:I, you know, want to create my own seat, my I don't want to come out with you the table. I'm gonna create my own tan table and my own damn party because they be wallowing and they don't want to be paying people, so they want to try to be part of that. But yeah, I want to be able to have a platform where I can tell my own stories my way and I don't have to rely on someone else to tell my films. You know, that's one thing with this industry is like you got to get approval from all these people before you could tell, tell your stories. And I'm like, if it's my story and I want to tell my story, why can't I just tell my damn story? Why it's gotta be so damn difficult? And I think I realized that during this, my last year of college, by junior year that just passed, I have this professor and basically for our class we had to pitch script ideas.
Speaker 1:Who he would? He would basically choose three that was going to be made and he kept telling, like, obviously yours is going to be the one I choose. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he hadn't read my script yet. And so I, first of one part, if someone tells you, oh, obviously your thing's going to be chosen, I'm like, oh, yeah, you bet. And the reason, like he was saying that, was just because when it comes to just like the class, I'm in basically quick detour.
Speaker 1:So I am a senior, right I this is my third year of University. I say university and I'm saying with air quotes because I Did do four years or I will be doing four years of college. But my first year of college was my senior year of high school because I early admitted, so I had combined those two, so I wasn't at the school down right now. So when I came in, I came in as a sophomore. So obviously a lot of the classes that I basically had to catch up with my film classes and so A lot of my classes are with the year below me because I'm having to take the classes with my year. I've also take the class of the year Previously. That because obviously I wasn't there that first year to take those classes. And so when it comes to just those, I'm not gonna fuck with you.
Speaker 1:I was the best one I had. I knew all. I was literally that kid who always knew the answer at a certain point. Like my professors would stop calling on me because they knew I knew the answer, but like they're just waiting for someone else to answer and then, when no one else raised their hand, I would. They would like answer me. They had me answer. They got some stuff. Or my films were just better not saying that my phone was like the greatest, but they just weren't better, because one I tried, I genuinely just tried. Even when I half asked, I tried, um, anyway, and so yeah, so I kind of had the reputation for having somewhat okay films and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:And so for me, when it comes to how I write, if it's I'm writing a long film, like a feature, that's when I tend to go towards more sci-fi, supernatural, big, high budgeted things. That's just how I am when I'm, and obviously they're also deep and stuff like that. But you know, I center more on like sci-fi and the story and apply and stuff like that. When I'm making short films and writing short scripts, I tend to do lean to more sort like very deep films, something my friends always make fun of before they're like, why is everybody scripted? It's so like sad or so like thoughtful and stuff like that. It's like, just because that's how I am, probably I'm not as deep as my writing, but at the same time that's that I say my writing is way from me express myself. So if I'm writing a film about someone struggling mentally or someone, you know, experiencing loss or something, that's because it's how I'm probably feeling at that time, but it's also just maybe a story I want to tell. And so I had basically pitched this film idea, which was Film about a girl who has ADHD and her and she's constantly trying to be on top of herself and stuff like that, and it's like the people around her don't let her grow Because they just continue to see her as she is, which is not that pitch, is not what I ended up having because I know it's going to take a second, and so basically a lot of my class needs like the script, the idea. So we all pitched it and then we had to write our script Cool, but write our script. We all read it out to the class.
Speaker 1:This man wants to change every single thing about every script. His thing is oh, you know, as a film student, film school is about honing our creativity. Our professors are literally there to help us, to teach us, to help us grow. Obviously, they will give us feedback, but their job is not to dismiss everything we do or degrade the things that we do or tell us, oh, don't do this, do what I want. And he's one of those people who wants us to do everything that he wants. It's his way or no way.
Speaker 1:And so when I tell you it's to a point where he can really degrade his poor girls, like, actually, this is my friend's film in front of the entire class and we were pissed. You could tell I'm not sure what his face is because, like, first of all, this is like the first film that she ever made. You know that she can like where she can say she like cast it, because we casted people. We spent weeks casting, building a crew, all that. And yes, she made mistakes, but we all do. But I genuinely thought it was a good film, especially when it's your first one.
Speaker 1:Drag it for 20 minutes. It was absolutely terrible and I did not say one good thing. And I told him I fucking told him to his face, like what you did was disrespectful. Oh, I'm fucking. I like all right, I'll let you get it. You made some good points. I don't want to say you don't make any points. But at the end of the day, your job as our professor is not to degrade us and the reason I got a chance to say this because we basically did this thing I'm just closing my eyes right now and I don't fucking care when we basically we have these course evaluations that we use and basically we it's seen by our professors and their bosses and stuff like that, and obviously it's all anonymous, and we basically, just as a class, decided that we were going to tell the truth, because normally when we write them, we just write a couple lines yadda, yadda.
Speaker 1:No, when I tell you about this paragraph, like it was paragraphs and this was the stuff I had been building over the last two years and one day he came to me. He's like you didn't like the class. I'm like what are you talking about? Yadda, yadda. So I was just long story short. He approached me about it and I told him I would have let you do it and I'm probably going to get it to tell him what I think. And I did and I said every thought I've been thinking.
Speaker 1:Obviously I was very respectful because he is still my professor, but I was just like you know, we don't feel like we can be seen with our assignments. We feel like you know, you're, I was like you make good points. I'm not going to say you don't make good points, but it's the way you say it. Obviously, you know the way you construct my work and some other people's work is very different. I need to construct other people's work Because, number one, I've been doing this longer than a lot of my other classmates who only decided to do film once they applied to the school. They're stuff like that. But at the same time, I've also was raised differently. I was raised where I was told mean things quite often and so I have pretty. I have pretty tough skin and I think it's my skin aiming that stuff half the time, but compared to some other people, I had pretty tough skin. But also, when it's in your passion about you, you construct a career system, that's fine, but you don't want to just hear all your things like terrible, no, I just that's just free. And so, besides the point, anyway, back to what I was saying.
Speaker 1:So, long story short, he I found myself kept to kept making changes to the way he liked it. He's like oh, I don't like this character. I felt like they're completely used to this, to the story. But I'm like, I like this character. I enjoyed them. I have them in there for a reason. I'm going to write a character for no freaking point. But anyway, I deleted that character. I started deleting the scenes. I was deleting stuff that I liked. Yeah, the other guy, just because he told me, even if I didn't agree with it, I would just doing it, because I was like well, I really want to shoot this. He decides if I get to shoot this film and stuff like that. And long story short.
Speaker 1:Last day, like I'm literally rewriting this damn script me three times. It was to the point I was stressed out about it. Like I was on the phone with Shola and I was just like, and I'm going to tell you I was like right, because obviously I work a lot, I'm taking two classes at the time, I'm working a lot and other stuff going on. And so I'm like, working on the script and I'm working on it. I was only getting in trouble with my other class, my editing class, because I will be writing during my editing class trying to get this done and my teacher, like you can't do other work while you're in the house. I'm like, yeah, I know, I get it Shut the fuck up Anyway. And so, yeah, and I had called my sister one day because I was stressed at the point where I was like in tears because I hated my script.
Speaker 1:I have never in the history of my life hated a script I worked on. I may have not liked it, I may have not agreed with that, I may have want to change them and things. That's what it is when you're a writer. But I hated it because I was like this isn't my script. I was telling her, I was like I don't feel comfortable with this guy If this is not the story that I want to tell you know. So a point where I didn't even recognize what I was writing. I was writing my stuff, I don't know anything about. It became not something that I enjoy and something completely different.
Speaker 1:And I decided, like I came to class and he he had asked me about like and for people's like finished pitching their rereading. The script that they wrote was like narrowing down to the people who were left reading. And he was like I have an idea. That was like I don't like what I wrote and so I scrapped it. And if you give me another day that's not the right for a class I live you give me another day I can rewrite my ending and rewrite it to the be the way that I want to. And the mother fucking didn't. And he didn't choose my film and he told some other people and I was like, okay, you know.
Speaker 1:And I was like and that's when it was kind of for me. I was like I'm not going to be that person in film who only creates what other people want me to create. That's not me being a filmmaker. That's not me being a creator. That's me being a people pleaser, a person pleaser. And I'm like I've never been a people pleaser. I have always been someone where, if I want something to stand up for, I'm going to stand up for myself. Even if I don't do it right away, it's something I always end up doing. And in that moment I put my goddamn foot down and I was like you know what, if you're not going to let me make my script bitch, I don't need you to let me do anything.
Speaker 1:And you know what I did right after that class finished, like the class, the class class I had about. I had about a couple of weeks left of school and I only had about two weeks to plan and shoot this film because my friends were graduating and so the people I knew were graduating my other friends were had were playing sports. We were all very, very busy. We were all finishing up like the year finals. We were going crazy. So I didn't have much time.
Speaker 1:I'd say this is probably a very, very stressful period of my life. But I was so proud of myself and I bounded my friends together and I was like, hey, I'm shooting my film. If you guys can help, thanks. There were days when they could help. There were days when it was just me and my one actor. I casted someone which I've never done before because I've always been terrified of working with actors. I would have they think I'm a terrible director, and all the way there were so many doubtful thoughts going in my head and took me to the beach. It was four days, barely any sleeping nights, early, freaking mornings where it's like five in the morning and I'm driving me and my actor down to the beach and we're shooting stuff. Where I'm shooting, you know, before class, I am shooting between my roommate's sleeping and my roommate's being in the kitchen and cooking. Like it was a lot, it was money spent, it was stressful and I wanted it to be over so bad, and when it was, I was so damn happy I wanted it to start again. It was absolutely wonderful.
Speaker 1:It was billy isla she said it and love billy, she's my freaking wife. Of course, of course we're getting married. She just does that. Know that yet.
Speaker 1:Anyway, she has an interview like a long time ago that, um, she I don't remember the exact quote we're basically some, some did out was she doesn't want to make music. They only that her, only her fans who are like but she doesn't, because at the end of the day, the entire world ended and she was just love. She was now left with music. She didn't even want in the first place, and I don't want that to be me, where I am only creating things because I feel like I need to, so I can, um, show people that I'm actually getting things done, um, or Things that I only think that other people will like, because I'm going to be left with stuff that I don't want or respect or care about. And I I was like you know, that was like my warning call that I didn't feel comfortable with the script that I wrote because I knew I didn't write it for me. I wrote it for some guy who Thinks it's his right to tell me whether it's good or bad. Your right is to Teach me and show me that how to do these things and and guide me, but not to discredit me, or you know, they give my professor, come on with the hell. So, anyway, I'm I'm very proud of myself for that and I'm very looking forward to see how the finishing project comes and if I feel, if I feel like it's good enough, maybe you guys can see it too, and so, yeah, obviously this is your girl's last year of school, um, and I have been thinking I have no choice.
Speaker 1:But I've been thinking a lot about my future, mainly because last year's school I'm graduating, so what the hell is going to happen next? I kind of need to be prepared myself. I don't want to. Obviously we're all going to have that post grad depression. That happens regardless.
Speaker 1:You know it's it's understanding that you don't have to go to school, back to school next year or like, obviously, unless you're going for your master or something. But it's like it's you understand that you're now in the real world, like you Now have to. That's what that pressure is on was like I know I really need to be making steps in my career. If not, what am I doing with my life? Type things. And I don't want to be at that point where I'm like hating myself or I'm like feeling like, oh, I'm not making it anywhere, like, for one thing, I want to get to that point where it's like, as long as I'm financially stable and I'm doing the things that I love, it doesn't matter what's going on. But that's obviously going to take time.
Speaker 1:And so I've been thinking a lot about that and then, just with things that are happening in my life, but in my Closest people's life, and that I'm just been observing and I'm just thinking about, you know, my career, I've been thinking more relationships and that's something I was talking about my therapist about this morning, because, um, I forget the conversation we were having, but basically oh yeah, I think I'm a son about how basically my friends have been and I mentioned in my last episode my friends have been trying to find my type and everyone's trying to guess who I'm going to end up with and stuff like that. And you know, I'm 20 years old, I've never liked anybody, not like I think I've had like small crushes, like I had like a crush on this kid named George when I was in the second grade. Um, though I don't think that counts like, and I think I had like this. I don't even consider them like like a crush, I just thought they were like okay looking, until I looked at them for real, like you're not, but yeah, like I have to say, my most serious crush was On this kid named Michael in third grade and fourth grade, the last of two whole years.
Speaker 1:Um, besides the point, anyway it's, I've never actually had like a crush or someone where like they're all I can think about, where I just want to be with them and yada, yada, yada and I really like them and I feel like I've never had that. I've never met anyone like in person that I'm like oh my god, like you, nothing. I'm not anyone gorgeous, but like that I've been solely like Attracted to that. I'm like, oh my god, I need you in my life. No, no, no. I've never experienced that. I've never seen anyone where I'm like, oh my god, I can imagine spending the rest of my life with you never. And so one.
Speaker 1:I like being by myself. I enjoy it. Like what, bro, take your stuff I want to date I. I have a challenge for all you guys, and there was something that was very, very strange for me because it was like what do I do? Go to a restaurant, take yourself out to a restaurant, get a table, sit down, order yourself food and eat, have an entire dinner with yourself, by yourself, for yourself. It's the weirdest and the most Strangest feeling in the freaking world, because you're just well, you feel like everybody's watching you. That's number one and ever so.
Speaker 1:You just genuinely don't know what to do, like we're so used to when we go out to dinner, even if we don't talk to our people's, we'll be on our phones, like that. But yours is like I have no one to talk to. Like what do I go on my phone and stuff, like that. And it was something that was very weird and uncomfortable for me. In my entire time I was a bit uncomfortable, but after like a while I did start to get used to it and the more I did it, the more used to it I got, and I haven't taken myself out on like a date like that in a long time which I want to incorporate that back into my life.
Speaker 1:Um, I think, amoras, I just kind of forgot I was doing it, because that's how I am. I always forget when I'm doing stuff because I get distracted by other stuff. Oh, my god, I feel like I'm talking really fast. Let's take a water break for anything. Really, I'm sorry to the ears of those who are listening to me and have been hearing me ramble for the last like 30 minutes. Hold on, ah, asmr. No, I don't even think you guys can hear that anyway. Um, yes, so it was something that was very Uncomfortable for me, very unfamiliar, but something that I really enjoyed. So, like I enjoyed being by myself. I like my own company. That's I one thing I'm very proud to say, because not many people could say that they Completely just enjoy being in their own company.
Speaker 1:I'm I'm fine being alone. Obviously, you know like I want a relationship in the future and I want to do that, but you know I want. I just know not that, even though I'm not ready, you know, but I it's not something that's meant for me right now, when I do have a future relationship with someone, I wanted to be where I'm at a point where, for me, I gotta be financially stable or working on that where I'm financially able to secure myself or take care of myself and my significant other if something were to happen and they need help financially with something. I want to be able to be that person for them to be able to help them. Number two if I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna spoil them. That's just me. I'm making sure you, whatever you want, I'm gonna give it to you. Just because that's how I was raised.
Speaker 1:I was always raised that I wanted for nothing, even though we struggled. We did struggle my parents, for almost even weak my parents struggled, but they obviously never growing up, never let me, or my well, I want to say me or my sibling. I don't know what my sibling saw, what they didn't saw. I probably should ask somebody I don't actually really care to, because that's my son, but beside the point, but if I ever wanted for something, I got it, regardless of how much I got, even if I had a weight a little bit at the end of the day. You know, I'm not gonna say that because I always wanted a ds and I never got as a kid. Let me, let me, I'm sorry, just kidding. No, the way my mom literally said that my sister and I are rude whenever we tell her that she stopped cooking for us. Well, she did cook tonight. No, I was surprised, I was very surprised. She there's, like all of my parents collectively just decided to stop cooking for us.
Speaker 1:Like, I get it, I'm an adult, but like, come on, I deserve food too. Besides the point, so, yeah, I'm going to spoil them, I want to be able to, you know, be that person for them, but also for me, is like, I need, I feel like me and my counter needs emotional maturity, spiritual maturity, financial maturity, mental maturity. I'm not gonna date a child, I'm not a fucking babysitter, and I'm not gonna date someone who can't one love themselves. If you don't love yourself more than you love me, we're not gonna work out. That's number one. You gotta put yourself first. And I'm not gonna date someone who Can't get their stuff together within the sense of they're holding on to a past that's destroying them and that's it will have inevitably destroy us.
Speaker 1:Someone who can't get past things and who can't communicate the right way, someone who acts like, like I said, acts like a child. It's like one. I'm not a therapist. Obviously I'm here to help you do whatever you need me to, but I'm not here to I won't say I'm not here to heal you, because I do believe being loved and so that that can heal you. But I'm not here to do all of the damn work. Like if I'm going to be here for you, if, even if I'm here for you if you're going through a hard time and stuff like that. If you know what I mean. Like I don't want to make it seem like I'm not gonna be with someone who's missing, unstable. Obviously I'm missing on a line, but within the sense of I'm not a therapist, I'm not a doctor, I'm not gonna be with someone who takes all their trauma, all their crap and puts it on me and Bricks me down With them. If you know what I mean. Like I don't. I don't I thought this sounds wrong, but within that sense I've experienced it where it's like, obviously, like you, you're dealing with stuff, and that's why we all deal with stuff, but you're choosing to take what I mean like, don't take your stuff out on me Just because I'm the closest person to you.
Speaker 1:I've experienced that growing up with you know I won't say my parent. Well, yeah, I will say my parents because, yeah, I love my. Am I going away with the storm? I am no, because this is the way I was crushing the other day and I was like working on my blanket and then I started going the wrong way without realizing, and then I had to undo the entire Goddamn thing because I was like I went the wrong way because that's when Something I experienced a lot growing up, whereas, like you know, my parents were mad at the other. They would take it one parent more than the other, one parent more than the other, but they would take it out on us and not in like a oh, extremely like that way that I wasn't abused to kid or anything like that, but it was just like you know, I would get snapped on when I did something, not even necessarily bad, but just like you know, and you just like, like that's everything. So like, don't be going through something and then think you can use me as your punch bag. No, if you're going through something, I will help you through it, but at the end of the day, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist and you're not going to treat me as such, stuff like that.
Speaker 1:And I just have to like for me. I just have requirements for when I'm going to be in relationship. I have boundaries that I am setting just because I have seen stuff that I have not liked when I've watched, you know, the relationships of I have nine siblings. I have nine siblings. I have a million. These are the nephews. I have a bunch of cousins. I have friends. I have a lot of people that I can Point blank and look at and say, look at the relationships and say, oh, I like that, I would like that in a relationship, but why do not like that? I do not say for that, that's definitely not happening within my relationships, stuff like that. And you know, I was Tell back to when I was in therapy. Today I was telling my therapy.
Speaker 1:So it's like my family always loves to say that I'm never aware of anything, that I'm not observant and this is not. I've always had my head in a book. Well, yes, all that may be true in a sense, just because I'm not observant in the way or where things in way of you guys are talking about something like a failing reunion that's coming up, or somebody had someone's baby or whatever. It's not me being unaware, it's me not giving a damn, like I don't give a shit about half of something. I'm sorry. I love you family, but if I'm reading a book, once that I'm so reading but to If I feel like it's important enough for me to know, then I'm gonna know I don't care about most people's businesses.
Speaker 1:I mean, I love tea. Give me tea. Tell me say, be like tea, tea. I have tea Stubborn to be spilled. Give me that. I love the juicy gauze. I love drama. I'm not trying to be in the drama, but I want to hear about it. I want to give my two cents on it, not to the person, keep my mouth shut to them. But you know, you know what I mean Besides the point. But yeah, I just don't care half the time to be aware when they're talking about stuff that doesn't involve me. You know stuff like that.
Speaker 1:But just because I'm not observant in that sense doesn't mean I'm not observant. I'm observant not about your words but your actions. I'm watching the things you do, but I don't care what you're saying to me. Say whatever the fuck you want to my face, I don't care, I'm thinking about what you're doing. So when I see how you're interacting with this person, I mean I see how you're treating this person. It's the little things for me and I'm not going to know, I'm not going to reciprocate that into my own relationship, and so I feel like I need to be at a certain level for myself before I can even begin to even think about wanting to consider to be in a relationship. And I know that seemed like a lot and I get it a lot where my, my people are like, oh T, well, you know, you need to experiment. You need to, you know, be able to talk to multiple people and this is a not and I'm not like this. I'm not saying I don't pull your girl, be pulling your girl, beginning to ask out. Your girl just says no every time because your girl ain't wanting it. I don't want it.
Speaker 1:I have had a female I think I'll mention names mainly because I don't know her name. I don't think I knew her name when I was even talking to her. I'm sorry if you're listening to this on whatever it was like to find where, basically, she saw me at a fashion show that was working for my school as a camera operator, went to all someone I had knew who I was hanging out with. I knew who I hung out with at the time. I don't think I was going to be more besides. The point went to them, told, ask them for my Instagram, and they started hitting me up my at the time I don't really use Instagram. I don't check my social media. I will scroll in every once in a while. It's a more than anything, and unless I'm posting, I really don't, especially if I don't. Sometimes I have it. I don't even have it on my phone, like it's only on my iPad when I'm using it for work purposes.
Speaker 1:And so for me, I think she had been caught trying to contact me for like a couple of days at this point and my friend came up to me, was like hey, like this is this girl who's trying to get in contact with you, but you haven't been answering, like her. And the end like Instagram, like what the hell are you talking about? So she basically like broken down to me, like they talked to her and so like that, and so, like I go, very nice girl, very pretty, I wasn't attracted. I'm not that she wasn't pretty, but I just wasn't attracted to her. She was the song I wanted to date. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:When I tell you and I told my brother about this, he was like what does it matter if you're not attracted, if you don't want to date her? You know, he's like, oh, and he gave me an entire master class. And talking to women, mind you, I am just like coming up to my. I don't know, did I come up to my point? I had to. I had to because I wouldn't talk to them either way If I hadn't come out to them first. So, yeah, I by this point I had already come out to my family and I told my brother and this we were all still living together in front of him in Texas. Yeah, so this was yes, this was because I came out my sophomore year of college and this was my junior year. All right, that.
Speaker 1:And so what's it like? I don't know, I don't know the time for it, but he basically gave me this like long crash course where he was like it's okay, I don't want to talk to her, like like, be with her and then like that. But he's like you need target practice, you need to be able to learn how to speak to someone, so when you do find someone you like, you're able to speak with them too. That's actually really terrible, but besides the point, and so he gave me, when I take this hour long master course and I would have he had me sitting there taking notes about ways to talk to women and how to be cool, how to flirt, this is an app. Mind you, I am the most awkward person you will probably ever meet, and so, mind you, like, at a certain point, my sister in law just looked at, was just staring at her, which is like, bro, are you serious? And he's like I pulled you, didn't I? And she's like all right.
Speaker 1:Third point, like she is quite literally having his second child right now. So clearly he could have just made this on the right, and so I'm, finally I'm texting this girl, yada, yada, yada. We're like talking back and forth a bit, and so I, for me, there's like maker break questions that determine if I actually wanted, if I'm actually going to continue. Didn't he talk to you? And it's basically stupid. This man is sound stupid, I know, I know the question was Harry Potter or Marvel.
Speaker 1:Harry Potter or Marvel? You have what is it? Three ways to answer. You can say no, actually four ways to answer. You could say neither. You can say Marvel. You could say Harry Potter, or you could say both. You say you love both. You can say I like one way or the other. You can say I haven't watched either. But I mean, I'm open to watching him Even if you haven't watched either. Obviously I'm like damn, that breaks my heart. But I how about we like watching together? I'm going to get you into this. Like I love getting people into Harry Potter and Marvel, especially Harry Potter. That's my favorite freaking thing.
Speaker 1:Like my nephew, he just never watched it, I didn't even know much about it, but he's like I recommended him to play the game. He came over and he played on my game. He's like, oh, this is kind of fine, I might actually start watching Harry Potter. I'm like that's all I needed and so I'm like waiting for you know the final over. What's the answer going to be? I'm going to do one of them for her. She says whatever you like, we're done. We're done, I get it. She's probably flirting. I remember she just flirted me. I was like I don't care. I didn't ask the question for a third sex. I asked because this is a very serious question for me. I want to know don't tell me you'll like whatever I like. I don't want you to like whatever I like. I want you to like your own thing, be your own person. Come on, baby, be independent. And so yeah, and so I kind of just never talked to her again and I've moved on from that. So yeah, I've been asked that multiple times and I'm just saying I'm not going to.
Speaker 1:I'm just not someone who can just talk to people. I don't like talking to people. I like people generally. I don't like people If I don't know you on a daily basis. If you're not one of my people, why are you talking to me? I don't mind. I mean, I'm always like that. I'm like I'm not making small talk with people. I don't mind me getting to know people, but like just stuff like that. So I'm not going to mess around and talk to like four people at one time. If you do, if you want to talk around date, that's great for you. I love that. I'm not that type of person.
Speaker 1:I've always said I think I was 15. I remember having this talk with my friend at the time, sam, where I was like if I do end up with someone and I always just say so, I use to never definitively say, or if I end up with my future boyfriend or husband, because I just deep down, you just know, I never knew I was, I knew I was never going to give it a guy. I'm not saying I'm not a lesbian, I'm queer or bisexual, if you want to say I don't really call myself bisexual because I don't want to be with a guy. But like, I'm not opposed, I am opposed to it. That's the wrong place to work. I am very much opposed to it. But at the same time I know I can have romantic feelings for said male. I just will never do anything past that. Besides the point I always say if I meet that person I'm just going to be me and them against the world. Like I'm sticking with you, I'm not trying to date multiple people. I've never been something like that, who you know. I'm not saying that I won't. You know, obviously relationships fail and that's fine, but you know it's magic Anyway. So yeah, and so I was just thinking a lot about that is my future within that sense, and I think that within itself is just maturity knowing that I'm not going to be with someone until I feel myself is ready to be with them.
Speaker 1:I feel like when you have a partner, people get too goddamn complacent. Or they get a partner Once the fun and excitement dies down. Once you guys know each other inside and out and you've been together for three plus five plus 10 plus years, you guys get complacent. You guys don't work hard to the one. You don't really work hard at all, or you don't do the things you used to do. You don't go on dates anymore, maybe, or you don't like to take each other by itself again, stuff like that. I don't know. But you know talking with them the way you should. You guys attend to them as you should. You know, obviously you know something. It happens to be all get complacent in life and it's all about remembering, but it's like you know.
Speaker 1:I feel like being with someone means they have to be a priority to you. They can't just be someone in your life that you occasionally are with like no, that's not cool and for me I'm like I can barely find time for myself with all the stuff that I do and so I'm not going to take on and ultimately another person where I'm basically saying, hey, I'm going to commit to you, knowing I can't commit to you, that's just rude to you and to wasting my time. You know it's like if I'm going to say hey, I'm going to commit to you that saying hey, I'm going to be with Deli time to spend with you, I'm going to be here for you when you need me. You know the drop of the hat or whatever phone call and stuff like that. For me it's like all about one mature level you're at and I know I'm not at that mature level to be in any relationship. It's why I never wanted to date in high school. I don't believe in middle school relationships. I never understood the point of those. Like you guys are 12 years old, why are you dating anyway? Like for me, playing with Legos and watching the 100 was what my life was like and I enjoyed every goddamn second of it. Minecraft, hell yeah and so yeah. But like I said, I enjoy being single.
Speaker 1:I'm going rock climbing tomorrow. I'm very excited because I want a new hobby. First of all, I'm canceling my gym membership. I've gone three times in the last two months and they just took $30 out on my account. I'm like I'm not. I'm tired of paying stuff for stuff I don't even use. I like my dental insurance because my dentist doesn't take it. So I really I should have canceled that today, actually, but now I'm going to cancel tomorrow. I really need dental insurance going over. I'm going to be done tomorrow after rock climbing. That's $1,400. Like, god damn it, that's both my arms and my legs. Like I'm not that expensive of a person. They would not have paid much for me back then. Let me not. Let me say it's such comfortable for stuff. It'd be funny, though. No, it was at the point. So, yeah, I'm trying a new hobby.
Speaker 1:I'm going rock climbing tomorrow and I'm very excited. I'm going with Tay. I convinced her to go with me because the type of rock climbing I'm doing is not just climbing but belaying, which is where basically that person is kind of you guys are attached by her ropes. So she will basically feed me real warm climbing and if I fall, she's basically able to pull and catch me and stop me from hitting the floor and essentially dying or breaking. And when I started I told her I was like hey, I'm going to start rock climbing. Her first thing to tell me was oh my friend, rock climbing, she's broken every single one of her fingers. Mind you, I'm already freaking out because I read the waiver that I had to sign and I was talking about all the possible ways you could possibly enter yourself and I'm like is this the right thing for me to do? But I'm like Jason Moa does it. That's where I got the info from, because my man is on the list of ways I'm told to or paid to, and so he just rock climbs and that's how he looks so damn good rock climbing in high game. That's the first deep breath I've taken to stuff initially deep breath that I've taken, and so, yeah, your girl's just vibing. Honestly, I'm doing good.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to stop reading so much on my iPad because I have Kindle. Right, I want to Kindle like an actual Kindle, but right now I have the Kindle app and so I'm constantly reading on there because it's always giving me new recommendations. But I have my job. I have to have at least 30 books on my shelf that are completely unread, and that's not including the books that I've started and I haven't finished because I just didn't have much interest in them. So maybe about 35 36 books on my shelf that I need to finish and start. And yeah, I keep reading books on my iPad and downloading those. I'm like Shanti stop, but I haven't really been reading in the last like two weeks just because I've been so busy with my internship and school and other stuff. I hope I have schoolwork I gotta do that tonight, but yeah, and so I'm excited I'm starting this one daughter of Sparta, if I'm correct.
Speaker 1:I love Greek mythology and this one is, and it's one of my favorite subjects that I've ever encountered, and so I'm very excited to start this one, especially because I read a lot of fantasy, or I even read a lot of fantasy, I read a lot of romance, so I want something that is more mythological and stuff like that in ancient times, rather than dragons though I did get dungeon dragons and I'm going to start that soon. I'm very excited for that book because I've always wanted to play dungeon to dragon since I was like 11 and I started to hear things and they were playing the dragon and I'm like, yes, I want to play this game and so, yeah, like I said, yeah, I'm coming out with new hobbies, I'm enjoying myself, I'm gaining things done. My main goal is just working on being able to want to really enjoy my life, like I don't want to look back on my life and think I spent so much time doing things for the purpose of others or stressing about things that don't matter because I say I've been stressing just about the sake of goddamn stressing. It's ridiculous. On the other day I had nothing going on and I was stressed. I'm like what am I stressed about? And I was like I really don't know, it's just, it's just there, you know. And it's like I really want to enjoy film because it's my favorite freaking thing in the world film and writing and telling the story and creating things from the pits of my mind and being able to show that to the world. I want to do that and so, yeah, I think that's enough of my field for today.
Speaker 1:I really am sorry to enjoy the episodes where I'm just talking. I didn't know they used to be rambling a lot more, but for me that's very fun because, like I said, I typically structure my things where I know prior to my episodes what I'm talking about, on the point I want to make. And today I was like I don't want to do that like. I want to just talk and see what comes out, and clearly some of it's slightly controversial, because I did say I probably wouldn't cost much in the past, but I am a African American so I can say that besides the point. Anyway, thank you guys. So much for listening. Make sure you guys, um, hit the bell. Hit the bell, subscribe like, comment and welcome back to my channel. Now. I'm originally a youtuber. I feel like I'd be great at it. Now make sure you guys tune into my next episodes.
Speaker 1:My patreon drops next Monday at 3 pm eastern time. I'm really, really excited for it. I have some fun stuff already going to be on there. When it drops there'll be two episodes already on there for you guys to see. And then it drops on Monday, so there'll be two on Monday. There'll be two episodes already out for you guys to watch, and that Wednesday and that Friday will be other episodes that are happening, and so every week I will be uploading two extra episodes which I'm very, very excited on.
Speaker 1:It's gonna be different from this way where you guys are just listening to me. Um, you're gonna actually be able to full fledge. See me, I'm gonna be doing things such as my one that you're you're going to see on. There is me doing a m and a a** whole reading with my best friend Tralee's, while we're building Legos. Let's just say she's far faster, I mean, when it comes to building Legos. But that was such a fun episode shoot, especially because, like for a good 10 minutes, my I didn't know my SD card got filled and a like stock recording and something just told me to have my other friend, aileen, check and she was like brah, I was like no, but yeah. So fun interviews, fun things going on, maybe some more deep intellectual thoughts. You know how I love those and I'm thinking of starting a new series, especially on my regular channel. So let me go, let me know what other types of series do you guys want to hear. Obviously I have my adulting series and that's been so absolutely wonderful and having people on there, and I have another one coming out very soon with another such a guest on the mat. It's very near and near to my heart.
Speaker 1:Someone that has experienced that whole post graduating depression. Um, I will say post graduating, but you know, experience that after school depression and can't tell me what it's like finishing school and entering the real world, and I think that'll be very helpful for those who are about to do it, those who eventually do it and those who have done it and are still struggling with the aftermath of it. And so make sure you guys stay tuned for that. Leave me a nice review, leave me some comments, hit me up on Instagram, let me know your thoughts. I can't wait. Make you guys check out my patreon and follow me on all my social medias. That I can never remember, so I will put in the description below I love you guys oh so much, and I will see you guys and talk to you guys and love you guys.
Speaker 1:Ending next episode, and if any of you are ever dealing with anything mentally and emotionally or spiritually, um, I will say that I'm a no at all, but I have been known to get great advice. No, um, hit me up. I'm always here to talk privately, of course, you know. If you need my number, I'll give you my number. We'll talk. I'm always here if you need a friend. My point of my podcast is to have an outlet where I can talk, for you guys can listen and experience knowing that you're not alone and be able to have a community where maybe we can talk about actually really important things, that have open discussions, and if any of you ever want to come on my podcast and talk, we can do it. I do zoom call. I don't mind. I have my family who I'm interviewing, don't even live where I live. They live all the way in like Texas affiliate or whatever. But yeah, so I love you guys. Thank you so much for tuning in today and I will see you guys on the fliprisset.